The Final Fantasy VII FAQ
by Akari Shinju
Summary: Hey Vincent, where do your clothes go when you transform?... Stupid questions deserve stoopider answers. Tell the cast what's been bugging you lately. Slightly OOC.
1. Chapter 1

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII.

Allele: Hello, and welcome to the premiere episode… issue… whatever of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ, where I read your most pressing questions to the members of the FF7 cast for them to answer. Don't ask where I got the questions, 'cause my sources aren't that reliable. (hollers) Okay guys, come in!

(Final Fantasy 7 cast comes in)

Tifa: Oh oh are we on T.V.? (waves)

Cloud: (waving) HI MOM!

Barret: Uh, your mother's already dead foo

Cloud: Oh… wait… yeah (cries)

Cloud fangirls: HE MADE CLOUDY-SAMA CRY! (point to Barret)

Barret: I didn' do it! I didn' do it!

Cloud fangirls: KILL!

Barret: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Allele: While they're mauling Barret, let's start with the first question… (opens up bag of mail and reads) "This is for Cloud… who do you love more, Tifa or Aerith?"

Cloud: (looking around the set) Are there more Clorith fans here than Clofa fans?

Everyone else except Tifa: Yes

Cloud: I love Aerith more, then.

Tifa: CLOUD!

Cloud: I mean, I love Tifa more.

Aerith: CLOUD STRIFE!

Cloud: Uh… Barret?

Everyone else: NO!

Cloud: Fine! Sephiroth it is (clings to Seph on the adjacent couch)

Sephiroth: (impales Cloud with Masamune) MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cloud: (pulls Masamune out of his gut and hands it to Sephiroth) Here, you lost this.

Everyone else: (blink blink)

Allele: "To the brown-haired girl in the pink dress A.K.A. The Flower Lady™: What's your real name? Aeris or Aerith?"

Aerith: Missus Strife will be fine, thank you. (smirks)

Tifa: (scowls and rolls her eyes)

Allele: "Tifa, why are your boobs so freakin' big? And why do you wear such skimpy clothes?"

Tifa: (looks down at her chest) Oh, these? I got them when I was 15. I wanted to shock Cloud when he got back to Nibelheim (winks at Cloud)

Cloud: (gets a nosebleed)

Allele: How 'bout the clothes? If they can be called that…

Tifa: I'm stuck with these until Advent Children comes along…

Barret: Why don't you jes use your salary from the FFVII sales to buy new ones?

Tifa: Oh… I spent it all on a villa in Costa del Sol. (sheepish grin)

Aerith: … And because she's just a five-gil ho.

Allele: "Cid, why do you swear so much?"

Cid: (lights a cigarette) Part of the programming, #$&()!.

Allele: "To Cait Sith… you look so hot in real life (as Reeve). Wanna go out on a date with me?"

Cait Sith/Reeve: Only if my wife isn't around.

Allele: "I wanna know how Red XIII manages to keep his tail on fire all the time."

Red XIII: I usually soak my tail in diesel overnight then douse it with kerosene first thing in the morning. After that I cast a 'Flare' spell on it, but if I don't have enough MP then a 'Beta' or a 'Fire3' does the trick.

Allele: "For Vincent… are you really a vampire?"

Vincent: (exasperated sigh) No. Do I look that undead to you? And before you ask, I haven't drunk any kind of blood since… ever.

Cloud: But you might be half.

Vincent: (brings out Cerberus) You were saying?

Cloud: Nothing.

Allele: "To Sephiroth… why are you so obsessed with your mother?"

Sephiroth: You'd be obsessed with your mother too if you saw her swimming in a tube of chloroform. And she always talks to me in my head, so there.

Allele: "Barret, what the hell were you wearing in Advent Children!"

Barret: I was forced to wear it! The costume designer made me!

Allele: "I have a question for the author…" … who, me? "… are you a Mary Sue?"

Cloud: …

Sephiroth: …

Vincent: …

Allele: Well, I used to be, but I've stopped writing that story. I'm just gonna read the questions in this fic, that's all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some flamers to shoot… (grabs Cerberus from Vincent and runs like hell)


	2. Chapter 2

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Two

Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII. A few Kingdom Hearts characters might pop out today, but hey.

Allele: I had an enlightening experience last time.

Aerith: You killed flamers?

Allele: Yes. (scratches her fingernails on her shirt and blows on them.) As a matter of fact, I killed fifty!

Barret: They're jes gonna pop out again, you know?

Red XIII: Not even Armageddon can get rid of them.

Allele: Well, can't blame me for trying… "Aerith, who do you love more, Zack or Cloud?"

Aerith: Cloud. See, we even have a son together. (looks at the audience and motions for someone to come) Here, Sora!

Sora: I'm not a dog you know!

Riku: You act like one sometimes, though.

Sora: (gaspeth)

Sora fangirls: SORA- SAMA! (look at Riku) KILL!

Riku: Oh shit… (gets mauled)

Riku fangirls: RIKU-CHAN! (attack Sora fangirls)

Sephiroth: My money's on the Riku fangirls… they are my son's admirers, after all.

Aerith: GO SORA FANGIRLS!

Cloud: My money's on Kairi.

Kairi: (randomly appears) Hi guys

Sora fangirl # 1037590: Look! It's Kairi!

Riku fangirl #-693720680934: The root of all evil!

Sora AND Riku fangirls: KILL!

Allele: Before this turns into a complete slugfest, I'm gonna read the next question.

Vincent: But our daughter's being mauled.

Allele: So why don't YOU do something about it?

Vincent: …

Allele: Yep, that's what I thought… it's hard to defend someone you haven't seen for more than 10 years, even if she is your daughter.

Aerith: How can you be so heartless?

Random Heartless: Boo!

Everyone else: (Blink blink) Screw off.

Heartless: Awww… see if I ever make a cameo again!

Allele: (pulls Kairi out of her world of pain)

Kairi: (wheeze) Thank you…

Allele: You're welcome. Now go to your room.

Kairi: But I wanna hang out with Sora and Riku.

Vincent: You've had years to do that. Now listen to your mother.

Kairi: Awww… fine. Come on Sora, ni-chan.

Riku: I'm only your half-brother, you know.

Sora: But you're still her brother.

Riku: With a different father.

Kairi: But born of the same mother.

Cloud: I'm confused…

Aerith: That's it! KH characters out!

(Sora, Kairi and Riku file out)

Red XIII: So much for not being a Heartless…

Sora: (in the distance) Hah! You're half-siblings, Riku, that's why you can't get any!

And that's why she didn't like you that much in the first game!

Riku: But she was really nice to me in the sequel, wasn't she!

Sora: Ah, screw it… C'mon Kairi!

Kairi: Oh Sora……..

FF VII cast: Oo

Allele: (teary-eyed) My little girl's all grown up… WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (cries on Aerith's shoulder)

Barret: "To Vincent… why did you sleep in a coffin?"

Vincent: I didn't do it out of my own will, really; Hojo pushed me in when I wasn't looking.

Allele: (sniff) "To any member of the original cast… how bad do you stink when you haven't bathed for more than 3 days? I mean, you go on these quests to save the world and all, but you're gonna kill it first if you don't take a bath and soon. You can do all these spells and summon creatures but you can't even bring a portable toilet… or even some tissue!..."

Cid: Are we being flamed by some (Y#& punk?

Tifa: I think so…

Everyone: …

Cloud: KILL THE FLAMER!

Everyone else: YEAH!

(So, the FF7 cast, with pitchforks, swords, claws, guns, and all, went to the address written on the envelope: Villa up the stairs, first corner to the left, beside the bar, Costa del Sol.)

Cloud: This place looks awfully familiar…

Cait Sith: Hey… isn't this your villa?

Everyone else: (look at Cloud)

Cloud: I didn't do it! I swear!

Tifa: Did you just flame us, Cloud?

Cloud: No! I just told you, I didn't!

Barret: Were you the one who sent that letter?

Allele: Hey…

Cloud: For the love of Sephiroth I don't even know half of the alphabet!

Aerith: Did you flame us, Cloud!

Cloud: WHAT PART OF THOSE WORDS I JUST SAID CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

Cid: Did you say something, spike?

Cloud: (exasperated sigh) As if having a lousy childhood with Tifa wasn't enough…

Vincent: But…

Red XIII: Well, even if Cloud did flame us, I'd say it was justified.

Cait Sith: Yes, he has a good point. (sniffs himself)

Everyone else: (sniff)

Aerith: … P-HEW!

Sephiroth: You know, if we stink this much, then all the other Final Fantasy characters must stink pretty bad too. I mean, we're the only one in the Final Fantasy series who have bathrooms in the inns and houses.

Cloud: We are?

Tifa: YAY FOR INDOOR PLUMBING!

Allele: (holds hands to head) You're drunk, all of you… (massages temples and reads the next letter) "To my dearest One-Winged Angel… when is your birthday?"

Sephiroth: November 10. Didn't you read my Owner's Manual? You better send me a card and a cake for telling you.

Allele: "This is for Cloud and/or Sephiroth… is there anything going on between the two of you? What with all these yaoi fics and all?"

Cloud: …

Sephiroth: …

Aerith: …

Tifa: …

Everyone else: …

Cait Sith: … AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Cloud… and Seph!

Barret: Oh! Oh! (clutching his stomach) Spikey-ass and THE Sephiroth!

Cid: (laughing very LOUDLY) Oh! My side… it hurts… (rushes to the bathroom)

Aerith: (holding Cloud by the collar of his shirt) TELL ME THIS ISN'T TRUE!

Cloud: (flailing wildly) I SWEAR ON MY GRAVE, IT ISN'T!

Vincent: Uh… you're not dead yet.

Cloud: Damn you Vincent! (being mauled by Aerith and Tifa)

Allele: You cursed my Vincent! (whistles) Fellow fangirls, ATTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAACK!

Vincent fangirls (all 949, 066, 037, 942, 764, 854 of them): CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Cloud: (being mauled by a LOT of women) WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Alright, I admit it! Seph molested me back in summer camp when I was 16! There! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!

Everyone else: Oo

Red XIII: Uh… I think you guys should really send in some questions now, the author's running out of them. Oh, and all flames shall be shredded and made into kindling! Good night! (turns off the camera)


	3. Chapter 3

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII. Tonight's special guests: Jenova and the Turks.

A/N: No KH characters in this one. Nope. Kairi and Sora are on their honeymoon, while Riku is currently weighing the pros of suicide by poison over death by cigarettes.

Cid: Hah! A mini-me in the making!

Sephiroth: Excuse me, I think you'll agree with me when I say that Riku resembles me more than anyone else in this game. (brandishes Masamune)

Cid: (shuts up) Yessir.

-story starts-

Aerith: (brushing off dust from hands) Now that we're done with THAT one… (glares at Cloud) let's get back to the show, shall we?

Tifa: (plops down beside Aerith) Three chapters and we still ain't getting anywhere… or getting any, for that matter.

Allele: (sitting on Cloud's back, Aerith on his bum, Tifa on his legs.) Beware the power of the almighty female hormone! (shakes fist at the rest of the characters, who are now huddled at the back of the room. Gets another letter from the mail bag, which is on the unconscious Cloud's head.) "Can anyone tell me what Professor Gast's last name was? Or is Gast already his surname?"

Aerith: Dad's last name was Faremis, sweetie. He was Gast Faremis.

Allele: "I'm kinda curious about Sephiroth's surname, with Hojo being his father and all… Is it Hojo, or does he even have a surname? I'm confused!"

Vincent: Lucrecia's surname is Crescent, as all of you already know. Hojo… we'll get back to you on that one.

Allele: "Omnislash is da bomb! Where'd Cloud learn something like that?"

Aerith: He got it from Zack, which would explain why Cloud could still do it even if he didn't get the Omnislash limit break manual from Gold Saucer. (gives Cloud a good clout to the head. ) BAD!

Cloud: (twitches involuntarily.)

Allele: "I wanna know if Cait Sith is Italian. I mean, come on. 'Reeve Tuesti'?"

Cait Sith: (looking at the tag on the back of his moogle mount.) It says here I was made in Japan… hey, I'm Japanese!

Everyone else: (sweatdrop)

Allele: "Barret, in the novella 'On the Way to A Smile', it said that you know how to make wine. Where'd you learn that? I thought you were a mine worker."

Barret: (strangely sober-faced. ) Learned that from… Myrna. A few weeks before she… dammit. (goes over to the dining table and pours himself some Corel wine.)

Allele: "Sephiroth, do you have a relationship with Aerith Gainsborough?"

Sephiroth: Yes, we have a relationship. I am the hunter and she is the hunted. I am the real inheritor of this Planet and not her, as she claims. I'm the real Cetra and she's the BIG CETRA PRETENDER!

Aerith: (big puffy anime eyes, then cries) I'M NOT THE CETRA PRETENDER, IT'S YOU, DUMBASS! IT SAYS SO IN YOUR OWNER'S MANUAL!And at least my mom's not a freakish mutant like yours!

Sephiroth: Y-you called my mother a freakish mutant! Damn you! (bawls)

Everyone else: WTF?

Jenova's Head: (suddenly blows bubbles from her fishbowl on the coffee table.) Blublublublublublub…

Tifa: What's she saying?

Cait Sith: I think she's crying because of what Aerith said.

Cid: Actually it was just this little fart machine I installed.

Jenova: Proooooooooot…

Allele: Dammit! Why do you guys have to screw this fic everytime! (stands up, throws mail bag back on Cloud's head, producing a loud THUD) I'm leaving!

Red XIII: But no one's gonna read the mail!

Allele: Oh, come on! As if you guys can't read!

Everyone else: …

Allele: … You're not serious?

Tifa: Actually, we are. Can't read, nope. And that's the only reason why you're here.

Sephiroth: But Vincent can read, and so can I. Aren't we good enough?

Cloud: (suddenly sits up, causing Aerith and Tifa to fall to the floor. Ooooh…) No, 'coz we can't afford your talent fees.

Vincent: Too high for you? With all the money you've earned from battling, I'd say it would suffice.

Cloud: (grabs a megaphone.) You and Seph are asking for 5, 000, 000 gil! EACH!

Allele: (sigh) Fine, I'm staying. But only if I get to keep these. (holds up Sephiroth's socks and Vincent's boxers.)

Sephiroth!

Vincent: What the… you can't have my boxers!

Sephiroth: And my socks! What are you going to do to my socks! I love that pair!

Aerith: (smiling sweetly) We're raising funds for the "Force-Cid-To-Quit-The-Habit-So-He-Can-Live-Longer" program! We're gonna auction these online. The fangirls'll go crazy!

Tifa: Yeah, I remember auctioning one of my bra straps online some time ago… it was really wild…

Allele: Speaking of fans, here's one letter about them! From… Barret?

Everyone else: Huh?

Cloud: I thought you don't know how to read?

Barret: Hey, you didn't ask if I knew how to write. Read the letter already!

Allele: Okay… sheesh. "To Cloud, Vincent, and Sephiroth: How does it feel to have fangirls? I wanna know, 'cause I barely have any. Sad."

Cloud: What kinds of fangirls? 'Cause there's a lot of them: yaoi ones, obsessed ones, quirky ones…

Sephiroth: For me there are only two kinds: the ones who are alive, and the dead ones. (polishes Masamune)

Aerith: (hides behind Cloud)

Cid: But you're not a fangirl.

Aerith: Yeah, but I've seen enough of that sword to last me a lifetime. AND NOT THAT SWORD, YOU DIRTY- MINDED FOOLS! (shakes fist)

Allele: Vinnie's turn!

Vincent: What I think of fangirls?... They… make me want to go back to my coffin. Even if it was cold inside, at least I wasn't in any danger of being robbed of my underwear. (glares at Allele.)

Allele: (coughs up her chocolate bar.) WTF? This one has peanuts! I HATE nuts!

Aerith: (looks at Cloud, then whistles.) Wow, no wonder she hates your ass.

Sephiroth: I have a love-hate outlook on fangirls. One day they'll give you a barrel of raspberry-scented hair conditioner (my favorite!) and the next morning, they're all over your front door, hollering in their state of hormone-induced madness, trying to snap a pic of you clad only in a towel, trying to use the hair conditioner they gave you. (holds up his hands) It's a no-win situation!

Allele: Well, life's a bitch. "Tifa, why did you cut your hair for Advent Children?"

Tifa: My sessions at the hair salon were getting too expensive, so I had to cut it.

Allele: "Cloud, when Aerith died, you just fell back on Tifa. Do you even love her or is she just some kind of rebound?"

Barret: Not another one of those !$)( questions!

Cloud: Yes, I love Tifa. I love her as much as I love the fleas on Red XIII.

Fleas: YAY! (Obviously they're Cloud fangirls…)

Allele: So you love Tifa as much as you love the mold growing on your hair… interesting. (pulls out another envelope) And the next one is for… Cloud, again.

Sephiroth: What does he have that we don't?

Reno: And when are we getting our turn?

Allele: … "Cloud, what was that weird yellow thing you saw in the Lifestream just before you battled Sephiroth for the last time in the game?"

Cloud: It was a rotten cheese ball someone barfed down the toilet.

Allele: This one's for the Turks… "Are Reno and Axel (of Kingdom Hearts fame) the same person? And why do Elena and Larxene look similar?"

Reno: (stands up angrily) THAT BASTARD STOLE MY FACE! AND MY HAIR! (drags Elena off the couch) Come on, we have to deal with those jokers.

Elena: (squirming) But I don't want to meet up with my long-lost twin sister! She was lost FOR A REASON, you know! Aaaaaaaahhhh!

(Door closes after them. Poor Elena.)

Allele: "Why does Seph use a long-ass sword?"

Sephiroth: Because the Shinra Weapons division was out of short-ass ones. And it's a requirement for a SOLDIER to use a sword as tall (long), or even taller (longer) than he is.

Allele: "Cid's only 32 but why does he look older than Barret?"

Cid: It's the cigarettes. THEY'RE DRAINING MY YOUTH! (lights one) But damn, they're good, anyway.

Allele: "How can Cloud lift that huge sword, when his arms are barely thicker than a pencil?"

Cloud: Lemme tell you a secret: My sword's made of metal-plated cardboard.

Allele: "To Aerith or Cloud: In the last chapter it was revealed that Sora was your son. How could that be possible, if Aerith died before she gave birth?"

Aerith: We ARE dealing with Shinra technology here, you know. Haven't you people ever heard of in vitro fertilization?

Allele: Oh, there's a follow-up question: "Supposing what Aerith/ Cloud said was true, then how did Sora grow up so fast?"

Cloud: I fed him liquid Mako.

Aerith: Yes, he- wait, you WHAT?

Cloud: I fed him liquid Mako, and the stuff Sephiroth uses for his hair. That's what I was doing for the past two years before Absent Chicken- I mean, Advent Children came along.

Aerith: (shaking) Cloud………….

Cloud: What?

Aerith: You fed our son LIQUID MAKO!

Cloud: So?

Aerith: No wonder he acts like you sometimes! I knew he couldn't have gotten it from me, duh. But to feed him liquid mako…

Cloud?

Aerith: (sigh) It's the equivalent of drinking rat poison for dinner.

Cloud: I don't see anything wrong with that… he grew up fast, didn't he?

Aerith: (shakes her head and drags Cloud down to the basement.)

(Bloodcurdling screams from Cloud fill the Villa.)

Tifa: I feel… happy.

Cait Sith: Sure you do… now, if you'll excuse us, that's all the words we have for today… (turns off the camera)

(Send all questions through a review or through a private message. Thanks!)


	4. Chapter 4

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Four

A/N: Since the Turks had some reconnaissance work to do, they won't be making any appearances for a while. Instead we'll have the Silver- Haired Men and the REAL ex- SOLDIER Zack over for the show!

Okay… I know this is the fourth chapter and all, but I think I gotta lay down a few rules. So stop picking your nose and listen!

1. Characters who haven't been asked a question shall be forced to ride good ol' ShinRa No. 26 and will be sent to space until a week has passed, or until someone asks them a question. Whichever comes first.

2. All questions regarding my **User's Manual and Maintenance Guide** Series shall be answered here.

3. This FAQ is aimed at answering any question people might have about the original PS FFVII game- yes, the one released in 1997- but I forgot to include this in the previous chapters' disclaimers (boy, am I forgetful or what?)… and even though I've played only the '97 FFVII game and** NOT **DoC, CC, BC, and Lost Episode (heck, I haven't even played KH and KH II yet), I'll try to answer questions regarding them… just keep them easy, ok? And about the spin-offs… so far, I've only watched AC and nothing else… come to think of it, maybe I should've made this a pure FFVII (PS) FAQ instead… yeah…

-click OK to continue…-

Allele: Welcome to another episode of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ, where questions are answered by the game characters, character answers are questioned, and fangirl dreams are shattered because the beautiful bishounen of their dreams won't go out with them. And… (gags) I can't do a serious speech unless it's for school… so… yeah. (Laughs out loud. Really loud. I mean, you might even hear it from where you're living.)

Cloud: … I think she's PMS-ing.

Zack: Hey! I was about to say that line! You stole my line!

Sephiroth: That's not the only thing he's stolen from you.

Cloud: (steps up to Seph) Unless you want me to tear your damn hair off by the roots, I suggest you shut up now.

Sephiroth: (looks down at Cloud) And unless you want me to kick your ass AGAIN, I recommend that you. Clam. Up. Now.

Vincent: Break up! Break it up!

Allele: (wiping off tears) Ah, that was good crap… okay, here's the deal. Since I only have two weeks left before classes start yet again, I thought I'd give in to the whims of those who bothered to ask questions (thank you!) in the form of reviews and I'll even mention their names as a form of acknowledgement…

Cloud: Hey, where's Aerith?

Zack: Wouldn't YOU like to know…?

Cloud: Argh, not you too Zack…

Kadaj: The Cetra girl and the others aren't here because she (points to… well, the only female in there) put floor wax in their food.

Loz: But I thought Allele pushed them down the stairs outside when they went out for lunch!

Yazoo: You idiot, she used a Lv.2 Exit materia on them and sent them to some hellish dimension using Remove.

Allele: Actually I forced them inside ShinRa No. 26 because no one bothered to send questions about them.

(Inside Shinra No. 26)

Aerith: GIT YOUR HANDS OFF MY HAIR!

Tifa: Well, excuse me, your Princess Guard's HITTING MY CHEST!

Cid: Now, now, ladies…

Aerith and Tifa: SHUT UP!

Cait Sith: Barret, I think you're stepping on my foot…

Barret: As if you'd feel it, foo!

Red XIII: But you're stepping on my tail!

Barret: I don't give a f-ck about your tail!

Yuffie: But do you give a f-ck about your foot?

Barret: (looks down at his foot, which is slowly…) OH CRAP MY FOOT'S ON FIRE!

Yuffie: Yay! Blazing Barret!

Barret: This is no time for one of your sugar highs you stupid broad!

Yuffie fans: He called Yuffie stupid! RAWR!

Barret: Not another one! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Yuffie fans charge at Barret and fill up ShinRa No. 26, leaving only a millimeter of personal space.)

Tifa: … Hey… why are we here in the first place anyway?

Aerith: Allele told me that there would be pink dresses on sale here, so I went here as fast as I could!

Cid: Well, she told me that someone was offering a crapload of cigarettes for only 1000 gil!

Yuffie: But I thought that Rikku would be coming over from Spira with her latest fashion designs!

Cait Sith: You don't think…?

Cid: Oh shit…

(Everyone rushes over to the only window, where they see… well, whoever's not inside the rocket- smiling up at them from below.)

Allele: In three…

Cloud: (smiling very WIDELY) Bye Tifa! Bye, Aerith!

Allele: Two…

Aerith: Help me Cloud!

Tifa: No! Save ME! Save me like you've always done before even though I'm perfectly able to take care of myself!

Allele: One…

Vincent: ("Finally, Yuffie is out of my hands… she's a nice girl but sometimes those Yuffientines really get on my nerves.")

Allele: AND THEY'RE GONE!

(ShinRa No. 26 takes off into space, its passengers' screams echoing down to ground zero.)

Sephiroth: Now that we're done with that, can we have the readers' attention now?

Cloud: I see no reason why not.

(And so, back in the villa… on the other hand, maybe it's a good idea to get a little sun for a while…)

Allele: As I was saying before… welcome to another episode of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ! But today's show is definitely no ordinary one, 'coz today we have Colonel Zack and the Silver- Haired Triplets!

Random Fangirls: YAY!

Allele: And, since it's summer… and Vincent's getting a little… paler than usual, we're gonna broadcast this live from the gorgeous beaches of Costa del Sol!

Random Fangirls and Fanboys: YAY!

Allele: (hollers) No use hiding! Come on! OUT!

(The Final Fantasy VII Bishounen- namely Cloud, Sephiroth, Vincent, Zack, and the Silver- Haired Men- all file out… in swimwear.)

Cloud: (twiddling his thumbs) But I'm… shy.

Everyone else: (roll eyes) Sure you are.

Vincent: (shivering in the breeze)

Allele: Anything wrong?

Zack: You don't know what's wrong 'cause you're not wearing a swimsuit!

Allele: And so? It's not my fault that I'm not freezing my ass off.

Sephiroth: (shakes head) Just get on with the FAQ, f-ck it…

Allele: Okay. First one:

**From: One Winged Cetra**

-------------------

"**this is so funny!**

**my sides are hurting! lol!**

**i have a question for sephiroth**

**does he know that lucrecia is his mother and not stupid jenova!**

**keep up the good work"**

Sephiroth: Actually, I do.

Kadaj: He just doesn't want to admit it, since Mother (Jenova) looks way cooler as a mom than Lucrecia. GO MOM! And wouldn't you consider Mother (Jenova) to have acted more maternally than Lucrecia did, if you were in Sephiroth's boots?

Allele: Next!

**From: the instant-ramen monster **

-------------------

"**oO so very VERY random...**

**I have a question for Vincent:**

**Would you go out with me?**

**PLEASE?"**

Vincent: One word: No. Haven't you read my user's manual?

Allele: And… **from FFlove190**:

**FF: I just looked at my review, and I realized that deleted all my questions. ; So I'll tell them to you now.. ; I hope you get these, and does kill them."**

**Zack: Why did Cloud steal MY SWORD? very angry**

Yazoo: Cloud stole your sword 'coz he needed some money to get to Midgar… so he got your sword, sold it at a junkshop, got some cash, went to Midgar, and had some random hobo make his metal-plated cardboard sword, which he now uses. Besides, he RETURNED your sword in FFVII: AC, so I don't really know what you're raising a stink about.

**Reno: Seph, is Zack really the supposed Colonel of the ShinRa army like he sayz he is?**

Sephiroth: As much as it pains me to do this, Zack's telling the truth. holds up a certificate with the following printed on it: **_This is to certify that Zack Whats-his-name of Gongaga has completed the required requirements to qualify for the position of Colonel of the ShinRa army. Given this 32nd of January, year 4006._**

**Zack: Why am I only a flashback! I deserve to be a ghost or something! Don't I!**

Allele: If I recall correctly, you already appeared as a ghost in AC, so I don't know what you're complaining about. Maybe the Square Enix guys were too lazy to make a ghost sprite of you in the game…?

**Reno: Seph, if you love your mom so much, then why don't you do you chores?**

Cloud: Who says Sephy can't do chores? (holds up picture of Sephiroth in an apron)

**FF: Can Sephy play the piano? Can Vinny play the violin? And if they can, could they play a duet?**

Sephiroth: The only duet I would want to play with him would be tackling him to the floor.

Allele: Seph, we already have enough yaoi fics starring you and Vin.

Vincent: Good point.

**Zack: Why did Kadaj kick my sword down in FFVII:AC? Does he hate me that much!**

Kadaj: … Sheesh, you don't have to shout it. The only reason I have for kicking your sword in AC was because it was IN THE WAY. It's as simple as that.

**Reno: Why is Loz such a crybaby?**

Loz: (sniffling) I'm… I'm not a crybaby, am I?

Yazoo: (gritting his teeth) Sure… sure you aren't… ("Crybaby!")

Kadaj: I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because of the drugs Loz takes for his allergies.

**FF: Sephy, have you ever thought about dying your hair a different color, since the silver can attract fangirls from hundred of miles away?**

Sephiroth: I've tried dying it black, brown, blonde… heck, I've even tried pink… and I got mobbed by Haruno Sakura fans. I'm not even a girl! Obviously it didn't work. Nothing works.

**Zack: Whatever happened to my body after I was killed? It just kind of... vanished...**

Loz: Why? Do you _want_ to see your body where it was last seen? It has been years, y'know. Maybe the rain washed it out to the ocean or something… --

Allele: (to Cloud) I don't think you're gonna like this one.

Cloud: Bring it!

Allele: (sigh) if you say so…

**Xehanort: **

"**My question is for Vincent: Is there, or was there, ever anything going on between you and Cloud?"**

Vincent: (stands up, shoots Cloud in the nuts.) There. Nothing's going on between him and me NOW.

Sephiroth: But was there?

Vincent: (sighs) If you want it put bluntly, fine: I didn't have sex with Cloud. YOU didn't molest Cloud at summer camp when he was 16, the author just made it up in the spirit of fun. The only person Cloud had sex with was Aerith… and maybe Tifa… I'm not really sure.

Allele: I feel… uncomfortable. Moving on:

**From: Lady Lilliana **

-------------------

"**Okay, cool!**

**for Sephy-sama: Doesn't his hair get in the way of his malicious evil when there's a high gale?"**

Sephiroth: No, because I use Cloud's hair gel… and we all know how that one stands up to anything… ANYTHING!

"**For vinnie: Dontcha hate it when fangirls call ya Vinnie?" **

Vincent: Yes, I do. I hate it like HELL.

Zack: And before you ask, Seph hates it when you add a '-sama' as a suffix to his name.

"**For Cait Sith: If you're Japanese, how come you have a scottish accent in Advent Children?"**

Allele: I'm gonna answer this on Cait Sith's behalf, since he's currently in space and all… He's part Japanese and part Scottish, half cat, half moogle fairy, and whole plush doll. Or maybe he can do accents very well. Last question…

**From: SapphireXSerpent **

**-------------------**

**Great! I have a question:**

**Vincent, what are your thoughts on Yuffie? (Include info from DoC.)**

Vincent: What I think of Yuffie…? She's a great… she's… a nice girl. Sure, sometimes she pisses me and the others off, but I don't think it's her fault. Back in the original FFVII game she was really hyper, but she's matured considerably well in AC and the other spin-offs. Of course, sometimes she still displays that wild streak in her, but it doesn't bother me much. I am really grateful for the help she offered in DoC, alongside Cloud and the others, since taking on all of the Deep Ground Soldiers on my lonesome would've hurt. A lot.

Cloud: And how about the Yuffientines…?

Vincent: They don't bother me at all, since those stories are purely FICTION. And before someone asks, there's NOTHING going on between me and Yuffie; there never has been, and there never will be. That's why I didn't understand why Allele got so cranky everytime she saw the word 'Yuffientine' on I was an obsessed 15-year old twit back then. And I was a !& Mary Sue. But it's been three years, and a lot of things have changed. So, if I can offer anyone out there some sage (yeah right) advice: don't fret when you see one of your fave characters paired up with someone else or someone you hate, 'coz in the end it's all up to you whether you're going to read that story or whatever… and besides, it's fiction, isn't it? There's no universal law saying that fiction automatically translates into stuff in real life. (Heh.)

Sephiroth: And while you guys are going through stuff in your real lives, don't forget to send your FFVII-related questions through a personal message or a review. Thank you, and come again.

(pretty bland, isn't it? Meh... --)


	5. Chapter 5

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Five

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square- Enix.

A/N:

Warning: Lots of ridiculous (_italicized)_ author notes ahead.

Ok, this is getting ridiculous… but I think the past four chapters just weren't up to snuff. Not a few character lines looked out of place, and the level of humor in here is quite dry- even I can't laugh, even though this is supposed to be a humor fic.

Sucks to have me type this huh?

Anyway, here's the latest batch of questions, typos and all… it doesn't really matter, but I thought this was the hardest chapter to do. Why? Because of the very, _very_ easy questions. Yeah. (rolls eyes)

**ergo the god**  
2006-02-02  
ch 1, anon.

**Ahaa, I laugh. But I didn't see an order form. glares**

**Ergo the god**: Order forms are available at ShinRa Headquarters, Tifa's Seventh Heaven bar, and the WRO Headquarters. Take as many forms as you want, so that you don't have to glare at me anymore. (blocks glare with a ream of VINCENT order forms.)

**Jordy Trent**  
2006-02-02  
ch 1, anon.

**Ha ha! I'm new to FF, but I know what I like, and this makes me laugh a lot. Great job! I especially like the bits about his different modes...now where can I order one?**

**Jordy Trent: **… Peep the answer to the question above. Most units usually arrive after three to five days, depending on your location.

**Thunderstorm101**  
2006-04-01  
ch 1, reply

Hmm...I probably should have read this one first.

**And why SHOULDN'T I take my neighbor's CLOUD's sword away and leave it with my SEPHIROTH unit overnight in the bomb-shelter? It's not like I'd take away Masamune (TM)...  
**  
likes to see Cloud die in horrible ways

**Thunderstorm101: **You SHOULDN'T take away your neighbor's CLOUD's sword since your SEPHIROTH would still be on the sucker's end of your devious little experiment. The most your SEPHIROTH could do against your neighbor's CLOUD would be to KNOCK IT UNCONSCIOUS, only to have it nourished back to health by the loving presence of his friends in AVALANCHE (and the omnipresent Aerith --). Constantly setting SEPHIROTHs and CLOUDs against each other will make said SEPHIROTHs pretty desperate. So if you love SEPH, just… don't.

**VampireHunterSephiroth200**  
2006-03-10  
ch 1, reply

**Ok, it costed me a damn fortune but I got four units... One Cloud, one Sephy, one Aeris, and one Tifa. They all seem to be displaying some pretty OOC characteristics. Sephiroth killed the Jenova's Head unit that came with him, he still does everything I tell him. He actually enjoys being around my Cloud unit and they're pretty chummy. He follows my Tifa around like a lost puppy though... What do I do?  
**  
(Just teasing... It's really good though. Please tell me the hypothetical solution)

**VampireHunterSephiroth200**: SEPHIROTH killed the Jenova Head? Your SEPHIROTH might be displaying signs of a new glitch, possibly the latest one to hit the SEPHIROTH line. Don't worry though, as it looks like your SEPH is still okay; in fact, you don't have to deal with the specific problem mentioned in the SEPHIROTH manual regarding Jenova. As for his relationship with the CLOUD unit though… it would seem that it's the CLOUD who has the problem. Why, you ask? Simply because it would be unfair to blame it on SEPHIROTH again, so let CLOUD take the blame this time. Same thing goes for the TIFA… or maybe it's because of her 'assets'. If this is really disturbing you though, the best hypothetical solution I could offer you is this: leave your CLOUD and TIFA in a room, CLOUD on 'OOC' mode and TIFA on 'Seductive Chicken' mode. By the next morning, both of them would've gotten it on, irking your SEPHIROTH in the process and reverting him to the mild-mannered, fire-loving, Cloud-mocking psychopath we all know and love. Or not. Your call.

**Sephulbadis**  
2006-05-17  
ch 1, reply

Thanks! My VINCENT has been working out great, especially since I addressed the 'shoe problem' with this manual's help. He's still in Angsty Mode, but at least he's more comfy.

**Unfortunately, I do have one problem. A woman down the street has an AC-version MARLENE unit, and she's attached herself to my VINCENT's leg. This complicates his day-to-day activities considerably, and interferes with engaging his "Galian Beast, Charming Dog-Thing" mode. Any suggestions on how to disengage my VINCENT without damaging the other unit would be much appreciated.  
**  
Thanks again for a great product--I can't wait for the summer catalog!

**Sephulbadis:** Why would you NOT want to damage the MARLENE unit? That's what I would've done, especially when I saw that scene in AC _(the nerve! How dare she cling to Vincent's leg like that, when most VINCENT fangirls around the world can't even lay their hands on a strand of his shampoo-commercial quality locks? - Allele_) Here's what you should do:

Wait for the MARLENE's batteries to fizz out.

Once that happens, pry your VINCENT off the lil' brat… I mean, angel.

Reinforce your hold on him and MOVE OUT OF TOWN.

**Tsukiyo Kagami**  
2006-05-21  
ch 1, reply

Excellent! Finally, a competent manual for my VINCENT unit!

**You should also see how VINCENT acts when he's around my sister's LUCRECIA unit! He's been trailing her like a lost puppy, and I've even resorted to locking him up in my room! lolz!  
And he's been angst-mode for a while now, (well at least more than necessary), is there anything I can do to make him less angsty?  
And, everytime VINCENT and my neighbor's YUFFIE unit meet, he comes home very much annoyed and refuses to walk past a phone. What's up with that?  
Last, is there going to be an assembly line of Formal VINCENT? I'd love show him off at parties, or even make him my prom date...**

**Tsukiyo Kagami:** Wow, your VINCENT does that? You can almost be sure that he's broken, since here in the ShinRa HQ Laboratories (ShinRa HQ Labs, for short), where VINCENT test units flow like wine- oh, wrong comparison? Never mind- none of the test units responded to the LUCRECIA test units in the manner that you described. Maybe he hit his head too hard when you first opened the box he's in.

If it's starting to bother you _(it would certainly bother ME… Ahem.)_, send him back to us and we'll send you a replacement VINCENT free of charge. And to prevent this from happening again, try convincing your sister that TIFA/AERITH/YUFFIE units are the way to go and that LUCRECIA units are so passé. If that still doesn't work, 'borrow' your sister's LUCRECIA's head and bury it in the backyard. What's there for VINCENT to follow now? (evil smile)

**Re: his angsty problem:** Avoid exposing your VINCENT to anything remotely related to HOJO, SEPHIROTH, the Silver-Haired Men, rising prices of crude oil around the world, and world news in general. Make sure he gets sufficient rest.

**Re: YUFFIE:** She probably tried to get his phone number again, or (most likely) already got it. Try to change your phone number or subscribe to another line, and make sure YUFFIE doesn't get it this time.

**Lastly:** No, there won't be any formal VINCENTs for sale, but you can buy your existing VINCENT a new set of clothes. As of now, only the Turks Uniform set and DoC set are available, but rest assured that we at ShinRa HQ Labs are doing our best to create more outfits- both standard and out-of-this world ones. You might be pleased to know that Final Fantasy Cosplay sets for all units in the FFVII line will soon be out in the market _(dress VINCENT up as Auron! Or Squall! Or Zidane…)_ but if you simply can't wait, try swapping your VINCENT's clothes with another unit's.

**Indigo Angel**  
2006-05-20  
ch 1, reply

**where can i but a VINCENT? and dose he come with Death Penalty?**

**Indigo Angel:** VINCENT units are only available (via mail order) from ShinRa HQ, Tifa's Seventh Heaven Bar, and WRO HQ. As for VINCENT's Death Penalty, order one through the product catalog, also available at the aforementioned establishments.

**bloodchaos**  
2006-05-18  
ch 1, reply

One comment.A million questions.

CommentYOU ARE AMAZING!Wow,seriously,how good is your imagination?

**QuestionWhere can I get a VINCENT and SEPHIROTH unit?Is the company planning on making a RENO unit too?**Then my collection shall be completed!Muahuahua!(Me is kidding,heh heh)But seriously,they should fulfill every fangirl's dream and make a VINCENT and SEPHIROTH unit.

Ah...life would be perfect...

**Bloodchaos:** I do not have a good imagination. I am simply insane. 'Good imagination' and 'insane' are not the same thing. If I have a good imagination, then this fic wouldn't be going around in circles, which is the way it is now.

Again, all FFVII units are available through mail order from ShinRa HQ, Tifa's Seventh Heaven bar, and WRO HQ.

As of now, only CLOUD, SEPHIROTH, and VINCENT units have been released internationally; AERITH, YUFFIE, TIFA, CID, BARRET, and everyone else not mentioned will be available once ShinRa HQ Labs finishes beta testing _Or until I type the manuals. I plan on covering the AERITH and TIFA units, but I'm not really sure since only Cloud, Sephiroth, and Vincent mean the most to me.-_**read between the lines**_ - If there's anyone out there willing to do the other characters' manuals, then by all means, please do. I can't do a YUFFIE manual either since I barely know her- I didn't get her in the game, so I think it would be horribly unfair to do a manual of her. Just make sure to give proper credit to your sources once you type your own manual. – Allele_

So in short, there's no RENO unit out yet, but there are plans…

-Click OK to continue…-

Allele: Okay, enough with the Manual questions, and on with the real FAQ… still live from Costa del Sol!

Random Fangirls, Fanboys, and Fangays (no offense to gay people): YAY!

Cloud: Allele…

Allele: Yes Cloud, the one here I hate the most?

Cloud: I have something to tell you.

Allele: What? And don't tell me you like me, because even then I still won't marry you… 'cause if I do I'll be known as **A**llele **S**acrosanct- **S**trife. I'll become an **ASS**.

Cloud: Not that you logically-dense woman!

Allele: Then what is it?

Cloud: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING OUT ON THE BEACH AT 9:00 IN THE EVENING WEARING NOTHING BUT BUTTFLOSS?

Everyone else except Vincent and Sephiroth: (simultaneously shiver)

Sephiroth: (looks smug in his ever-present black coat)

Allele: Vincent and Seph don't look like they're having problems.

Zack: Well, Seph has his coat, and Vincent has that cape.

Allele: So it's your fault for not including one as a part of your costume, not mine. Now shut up.

**From: FFlove190 **

**-------------------**

FF: YAY! My questionz have beeneth answereded D

**Zack: I have another question, though! Who does Earisu (Aerith's **

**Japanese name) love more! Me or Cloud!**

Reno: rolls eyes here we go again...

Aerith:(comes out of Cloud's villa wearing a swimsuit, oh my! Grabs the mic.) I've got an answer that'll satisfy those who aren't satisfied yet. If I'm here (points finger down, referring to the ground) then I love Cloud. If I'm in the Lifestream, then it's Zack I love. Does it really matter?

**From: kingdomhearts222 **

**-------------------**

**Wow...Is it just me or did Mr.Vincent say a lot more than I have ever **

**seen him say?**

Allele: No, it's not you. Vincent really did say a lot of stuff back in Chapter Four, but then there's no religious doctrine barring him from doing so, is there?

**I have a few questions!**

**1. Mr.Vincent, how come in DoC you look like you were living in **

**Traverse Town from KH?**

Vincent: … I do? Is there enough basis for you to say so? If you must know, just before I arrived in Kalm in DoC the Moronic Fangirls Organization (MO'FO) happened to be holding camp just outside, in the nearby Midgar mountain range. Rotten luck, really. I managed to escape and proceed to Kalm, but my cape and hair weren't so lucky.

**2. Mr.Cloud, how come everybody had to hoist you up to fly towards **

**Bahamut Sin? Can't you already fly without help?**

Cloud: Actually I was perfectly capable of flying up to Bahamut Sin without any help (says this like flying 5000 feet up in the air is the most normal thing in the world) but I felt sorry for my AC AVALANCHE co-stars, so I had the scenario writer, Mr. Kazushige Nojima, make some space for them in the script. Another reason was for Aerith to make her real appearance at last, the camera finally focusing on her face and all.

**3. Mr.Sephiroth, Which hand do you use to hold your sword? Are you like **

**Mr.Gackt where he switches writing hands all the time?**

Sephiroth: I'm ambidextrous, but my left hand is the dominant one. But being ambidextrous, it means that I look cool whichever hand I use to hold my sword. But I already know that I look cool all the time.

Everyone else: (face-plants)

**4. Mr.SOLIDER sir (Mr.Zack), How can you carry that big sword? It must **

**weigh tons! You too, Mr.Cloud! How!**

Zack: Well, the original Buster Sword did weigh tons, but as a member of the kick-ass group that was SOLDIER, I had no problems carrying it.

Cloud: I use the cardboard one (remember this in Chapter 3 and Chapter 4…?) and Zack uses the real metal one, but in AC I finally got a real sword. And five of 'em!

**From: swordsman ()**

**-------------------**

**This one for cloud: where did you get your advent children sword set?**

Cloud: I collected all the other swords I brought at different weapon shops across the world in one big pile, arranged them by height and weight, and picked the ones that looked the coolest.

**From: darkHikarilover **

**-------------------**

**o.O Few questions for... Everyone...**

**Why is everyone wearing Black leather... 24/7?**

Allele: Hey, not everyone's wearing black leather. The ones not wearing black leather were Cid, Barret, Yuffie, Red XIII… come to think of it, the ones wearing black leather would've made a shorter list…

Aerith: I'll tell you why everyone's wearing black leather. It's because black leather is IN. It's chic.

Zack: … What's chic about wearing dead animal skin?

Aerith: … Come to think of it, I noticed that only the BEAUTIFUL people wore black leather. Cloud wore black leather, and so did Tifa, and Sephiroth… waitaminute…

Cloud: (in a singsong voice) You're not included! OW! (gets whacked on the shins with Princess Guard.)

**I've noticed that when Cloud or anyone else for that matter is on **

**motorcycle thier hair stays in place even at an excess of like, a billion miles and hour?**

Sephiroth: Cloud's hair stays the way it is (even during motorcycle chases) because of the almighty Final Fantasy™ hair gel- everyone in the series uses it.

Zack: … And because Cloud is blessed by Gell-O, the god of hair gel.

Kadaj: We three use the same tangle-free hair shampoo Sephiroth uses. No need to explain, really.

**From: Liaz **

**-------------------**

**Barret:**

**Why a gun on your arm? Why not a gameboy, or ds, or knife?**

**-------------------**

Barret: (drops overhead from ShinRa 26, smelling faintly of gasoline and smoke) HEY! That's a great idea! (rushes out to the nearest game store) I WANT TO PLAY POKEMON EMERALD AND I WANT IT NOW!

Everyone else: (sweatdrop)

**From: Renos'-Girl ()**

**-------------------**

**Wow, this is a...good...ya uh, good fic! Keep up the good work.**

**O,O and I've got questions!**

**Q,#01: How old are the turks( Reno, Rude, and Elena )and Rufes?**

Aerith: The Turks aren't really too keen on revealing their ages, but based on how they look, we estimate them to be this old (as of FFVII):

Reno- early to mid-20s

Rude- early to mid-20s

Elena- early 20s

Tseng- mid-20s to late 20s

Rufus- mid-20s to late 20s

**Q,#02: How much did you have to drink, before typing this fic? ;p**

Allele: I don't drink. Not even now that I'm gonna turn 18 in a few months. I dunno why one has to drink to prove a point, though. All I know is that they all taste the same to me. And the taste… oh, the taste. You'll see me drunk on Pepsi, sure, but not (even) on Miller Lite. If I wanted to taste something bitter I would've eaten coffee beans or foie gras instead.

Cloud: If you could afford it…

**From: Nyviay and Cyraxis **

**-------------------**

lOL! tHIS STORY ROCKS! Argh! Sorry about caps-lock! growls at

keyboard Heh, I loved this! **I have a question for Kadaj, if he's still on the show next time: What would you do if you had a girlfriend and she wanted to meet your Mom? She might be a little scared if you show her a box with Jenova's head/goo in. **(I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I wouldn't mind! ;) ) (note to self: must write fic about Kadaj introducing his mom to a girl... Hahahah!) Keep up the good work, both the author of this and Kadaj! Cyraxis

-------------------

Kadaj: If I had a girlfriend and she wanted to meet Mother…? I'd still introduce her. I have no reason to be ashamed of Mother. I don't care if my girlfriend would get scared; there's nothing I can do, but if she doesn't, then it's a good thing for her.

**From: One Winged Cetra **

**-------------------**

thank you for putting my question in!

thx again oh and leave vincent alone he is too cool to be attacked by

wannabe fangirls. you can always attack sephiroth :)

-------------------

**for vincent: where did u get ur awsome ceberus from? it kicks ass!**

Vincent: My father bought Cerberus for me a long time ago. He wanted to give it to me on my 30th birthday. But due to a few… interruptions, I wasn't able to get it.

Allele: Not to mention that you look nothing like 30 years old…

Vincent: I reckon I could use Cerberus now, since I'm well over 50.

Cloud: But how come you used it only now?

Vincent: The game developers weren't sure if they wanted to introduce Cerberus in the first game, so they made DoC just for that purpose. _(And because they knew that Vincent could bring in a lot of money. - Allele)_ I wasn't planning to use it in AC, but someone broke into my house and stole all my guns. It's a good thing I had Cerberus on me at that time.

**for yuffie: what is up with all those cats in Wutai! do you breed them **

**as a hobby or something!**

Yuffie: (appears in a puff of smoke, ninja-style) How'd you know I breed cats! … It's not a hobby, though… I was planning on selling those cats in case my get-rich schemes using materia didn't work out.

**for cloud: why didn't u get into SOLDIER? you have kicked Sephiroth's **

**ass like three times and he was meant to be the best.**

Cloud: … yeah. Why didn't I?

Allele: I think it's a reason known only to Square Enix.

Vincent: I think it was just a plot point in the original game.

Cloud: But I'm sure I could join SOLDIER now, can't I?

Sephiroth: If SOLDIER IS still around…

**for rude: just how many sunglasses do u have and how many do u have on **

**u at any one time?**

Rude: (who, oddly enough, has been there all the time) I'm actually endorsing ShinRa™ sunglasses-

Allele: Available at ShinRa HQ and other shops for only 350 gil!

Rude: … So I have a constant supply at home. Right now I have about 50. I carry 2 spare sunglasses at a time.

**From: RubyVulpix ()**

**-------------------**

Great chapter!

It's really funny!

Me and my muses,Violet,Dash and Edna Mode from the Incredibles have a few questions for you!

Me:Well anyway.This is great so far!

Violet:Keep up the good work!

Edna:And update soon dahling!

First me.**Cloud,what do you like to do in your free time?**

Cloud: I like to sleep, work out, polish my sword(s), polish Fenrir, check the sales figures of the FFVII merchandise line, and mope. Sometimes I watch T.V. or play videogames, if Cid and Barret are around.

**Dash:Cloud!You're so cool!I wanted to know,where did you get that cool **

**motocycle that you've got in avent children?**

Cloud: I got Fenrir from a shop in Midgar. It was selling pretty cheap, and I really needed a vehicle to get all the ingredients we needed at Seventh Heaven _(see "On The Way To A Smile". – Allele)_ so I'd say it was a good deal. I had a few people modify it, but I did some adjustments on my own.

**Violet:Cloud,how did you feel when you met Aerith for the first time?**

Cloud: When I met Aerith for the first time…? Nothing special. I just thought it was weird to find someone selling flowers in MIDGAR, of all places.

Aerith: You're so unromantic! (shoves Cloud)

**Edna:And do you need a fashion designer dahlings?Because I can**

**make you new costumes!No need to beg dahlings!I won't do it you know**!

(The sound of waves rolling in and crashing out take over.)

Allele: Okay… Next!

**From: Ryu the youkai **

**-------------------**

gheheheheheh-suffers coughing fit

Returns after cleaning the blood off the key board

Cait sith speaks the way he does because a cait sith is a cat-fairy

from that origin.

(Fun fact there is evidence to sugest the ancients came over from

Spira)

**For Hojo: Know any ways of getting more amusement of torment?** (I ran

outta ideas)

Hojo: (spreads arms whilst appearing in a puff of smoke) TA-DA!

Aerith: What's HE doing here!

Cloud: GANG UP!

(Everyone else, including Sephiroth, huddle around Hojo, clearly intent on beating him up, but before they could, Hojo unleashes a bomb.)

Hojo: I'll tell everyone your secrets if you do it!

Zack: … You're bluffing.

Vincent: You don't even know these people. (points to the Silver- Haired Men)

Hojo: But I know YOU. (brings out a list and reads) Aerith, you're not really a flower girl, you're a prostitute. Why would a florist be selling flowers at around midnight? (_Check the opening FMV of FFVII for more details._ – _Allele_)

Aerith: It's always dark in Midgar, you clod! How can you tell if it's midnight or not?

Hojo: Oh… right. This one then! (turns to Vincent) Vincent, you're not really the dark, brooding hunk fangirls think you are; the truth is, you're gay. Why else would Lucrecia have left you?

Vincent: … Because she married you?

Hojo: Oh… then before you beat me up, I will answer the question addressed to me first. Ryu the youkai, come into my office sometime and we'll schedule a torment session together. Make sure you have a lab rat or three, like me. (glances at Aerith, Cloud, Vincent, Zack and Seph.)

Bye, then. (waves as he disappears in a dust cloud; Barret and Cid beating the hell out of him.)

Vincent: I feel so much better.

**For Vincent: What would happen if I told you I have in my custody an ****evil posessed plushie of you? ****and what would happen if you two met?**

Vincent: Am I really supposed to do anything? I didn't even know that there were… plushies, as you call them, made after my likeness. We'll have a good chat, I guess, and have some tea.

Everyone else: (stares at Vincent)

**And finally for mr Rufus Shinra: How much is the dry-cleaning bill for****a suit like that?** (Yay for stupid questions)

Reno: … It costs him 700 gil for the coat and 1500 for the whole suit. I can't figure out why he won't just change the color of his suit so that it doesn't look that dirty.

**From: FullyMenatlandObsessed **

-------------------

Yay! This is hilarious! I got questions for Vincent and Loz-

waches Cloud get in trouble and Loz cry like the gay guy he is

-------------------

**1) Loz, are you gay? I ask this cuz you act REALLY gay in AC... So, are****you GAY?** resists saying "don't cry Loz"

Loz: (blubbering) I… I don't act gay… do I?

Kadaj: (eyes twitching) No… not at all.

Yazoo: I don't know the whole truth, but I'm pretty sure it's because of the drugs Loz takes for his allergies. Yeah…

Kadaj: Hey… didn't we work out his allergy problem before we raided Midgar in AC?

Yazoo: Come to think of it… I think we did.

Kadaj: So that means he's not taking any medication anymore.

Yazoo: …

(Stunned silence follows.)

Allele: (shakes her head gravely and chugs down a whole bottle of Colt 45.)

**2) Vincent, where you mad that Cloud stole your red cape and the tips ****of your kewl mutated arm glove and ran off to kick ass in Kingdom Hearts ****1?**

Vincent: Not really, since he only took my cape and my gauntlet. But if he took more than those articles of clothing I would've gotten really angry.

Cloud: How angry?

Vincent: Like this. (head transforms into Chaos but body remains the same.)

Cloud: … Cool.

Allele: (chugs down another bottle.)

**From: Sipherous **

**-------------------**

Cool heres my question its for Cloud and Yuffie:

**In the game Yuffie was the only character you see actually kiss Cloud, ****and when Aries died she ran into Clouds arms, Hey Cloud is there ****something going on in the backround between you to?**

Yuffie: There's nothing going on between Cloud and me, honest! The only reason I kissed him was because Aerith and Tifa didn't want to, but the director guy said someone HAD to kiss Cloud, and that unlucky person was me.

**One more thing, Vincent you and Cloud look alike, when you were thrown ****in the coffin by hojo after Luceria rejected you, did you knock up ****Clouds mom or something?**

-------------------

Vincent: I'd like to make a few points clear:

1. Cloud is not the only one who looks like me. Sephiroth also looks like me. Does that mean that both of them are my sons? No. A fairly good number of people who starred in AC look alike, though subtly. There's Tifa and Aerith _(I would've included Yuffie if only I had pictures of her- don't ask why I have none. – Allele)_, Denzel and Marlene (just a little), and as I've mentioned, Cloud, Sephiroth, and me. What does this mean? I personally think that the Square- Enix artists working on AC used the same facial build and frame for the three of us, or maybe more, if you've spotted other characters I haven't mentioned but look like us.

2. If I had been thrown by Hojo into my coffin as you suggest, how would you explain my current (red-caped) outfit and the length of my hair?

Allele: Yeah. If Hojo did lock Vincent up in his coffin, does that mean that Hojo dressed up Vincent in his current duds and somehow made Vincent's hair grow about 12 inches that fast? From what I understood (from DoC), it was _Lucrecia_ who put Vincent to sleep, using this particular materia to calm (the entity) Chaos when Vincent broke from his confinement in the ShinRa mansion.

Cloud: So there. Two answers for one question.

Allele: I've got a question for Vincent.

Sephiroth: And please make sure it's decent… _(You wish…)_

Allele: Vincent, when you morph into one of your Limit Break transformations, where do your clothes go?

Vincent: I… I really don't know.

Cloud: What a mystery! Send all possible answers and your personal theories on where Vincent's clothes go when he transforms! Don't forget to send a Final Fantasy VII- related question (through review or message) while you're at it!


	6. Chapter 6

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Six

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and its spin-offs belong to Square-Enix.

**At Costa del Sol**

Crickets: (chirp)

Tumbleweed: (rolls)

Wind: (blows)

Late Random Audience Member: Where IS everyone?

**At Allele's tent in Bone Village**

Allele: (whispers) Hey, camera guy, down here.

(Camera zooms to focus on Allele's boots.)

Allele: Not that low.

(Camera zooms to focus on Allele's face.)

Allele: Good. Just don't zoom in that close or you'll see my pimple scars.

Vincent: (also huddled on the ground beside Allele, whispering as well) What are we doing here, anyway?

Allele: Ask him. (glares at Cloud)

Cloud: You're always angry at me.

Yuffie: That's because she hates you.

Aerith: Ah, come on. Loosen up, Allele, I'll beat him up for you.

Sephiroth: I'd do the job myself of course, but some people would probably just take it as a yaoi reference. (mutters darkly)

**At Costa del Sol an hour earlier**

Allele: (standing on a makeshift stage, hollering at the Costa del Sol residents) Step right up and send your questions! The best one wins an Advent Children Ultimate Edition set! (waves a plastic bag with FF7 merchandise inside and points to a big, BIG box with the logo of Final Fantasy 7 on it)

Vincent Fangirl # 99825816970: Can I have a figurine of Vinnie-chan instead?

Yazoo: Lemme see (looks) Yeah, sure, we have one of Vincent right here.

Tifa Fanboy # 67891830948: I want a poster of Tifa!

Aerith: Yeah, we have that too. (peeks inside the bag)

Zack Fangirl # 94902335018: OMG ZACK IS TEH AWESOME! (jostles)

Tifa: (whispers) Allele, we don't have any merchandise with Zack on it in the bag!

Barret: (whispers) Yeah, all we have are Advent Children and FF7 stuff!

Cloud: (screams) WE DON'T HAVE ANY ZACK MERCHANDISE!

Crowd: (falls silent)

Cid Fangirl # 67891023746: (grabs bag) Hey! Cid-sama isn't here either!

Red XIII Fan # 92635120983: (jumps in the box) Red? Red? Where are you, Red XIII!

Kadaj: Uh-oh.

Crowd: (swarms) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Vincent: Run!

**The FF7 cast, plus one deluded author, make a run for it. Cloud, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz hop on their bikes and drive off. Aerith transforms into a ghost-thingy and hides in the Lifestream. Tifa catches up with Cloud and jumps behind him on his bike.**

Fenrir: (sputters)

Cloud: Oh it's almost out of gas!

Tifa: (slams the engine)

Fenrir: (goes off again)

**Cid phones his crew on the Sierra ("MOTHER#(!$ GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE!") and a rope ladder soon comes from above. Barret scrambles unto it behind him. Cait Sith rides on Red XIII's back and the two of them scurry off.**

Cloud: (looking back) Where'd that crazy girl go?

Yuffie: (running very fast thanks to Speed Materia) Here I am!

Cloud: No, the other crazy girl…

**Back at the stage**

Allele: (pulling on FF7 goodies box)

Sephiroth: Don't be a fool, Allele! Leave the box!

Allele: There's no way in hell I'm gonna leave this, I paid good money for this stuff!

Random Fan: (pokes head out of the box, frothing at the mouth) RAWR!

Allele: Screw off! (shoves him roughly aside)

Vincent: (brings out Cerberus)

Sephiroth: You're so worried about Allele that you're willing to shoot the crowd?

Vincent: No, I'm more worried for the crowd.

**The rope ladder from Cid's Sierra makes a most welcome appearance.**

Allele: About time! (latches herself and the FF7 box to the ladder)

Vincent: (looking at Sephiroth) You sure you don't want to come?

Sephiroth: Why DO you want me to come?

Vincent: Lucrecia would haunt me.

Sephiroth: I can take care of myself, thank you very much. Unlike you puny mortals.

Vincent: (shakes his head gravely and grabs the rope ladder) I've been chased by fangirls longer than you, Sephiroth. By the time you learn it'll be too late. ("Poor boy, he was doomed as soon as they laid eyes on him.")

**The Sierra then disappears into the horizon.**

Sephiroth: (blissfully ignorant of the crowd of rabid fangirls behind him) All I need now is some materia… (looks at materia slot on his leather cuff) WTF? Where's my materia?

Fangirls: (fighting over Sephiroth's materia)

Sephiroth: Good thing I have innate skill… (flies creepily upwards, but fangirls suddenly grab his leg and weigh him down.)

Sephiroth Fangirl # 40672049960: Don't leave us Sephy-sama!

Sephiroth: (trying to shake them off) I LOATHE that name!

Random Fangirl: (clinging unto his leg, little hearts floating around her silly head)

Sephiroth: (tries to pry them off with Masamune)

**A huge, looming shadow in the shape of an airship then appears above.**

Aerith: (grabs dynamite from Cid's toolbox, lights it using Red XIII's tail, then chucks it below)

Ocean of Fangirls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! (simultaneously explode)

Sephiroth: (holding unto the rope ladder) You almost blew up my leg, Cetra girl!

Aerith: (hollers back) That was the point!

**Back to the tent!**

Red XIII: Then we ended up here.

Allele: Inside my spacious abode.

Tifa: Allele, there are twenty of us in this piddly tent of yours.

Allele: (glares) It's spacious when I'm the only one in here.

Cid: Break up! Break up!

Loz: Anyway, let's start answering the questions again. I love doing that!

Everyone else: (raise eyebrows)

Vincent: Did anyone get the mail bag?

**A big lumpy sack full of envelopes then comes crashing down onthe tent, creating a huge hole on the roof in the process.**

Allele: (massaging temples) Remind me never to invite you people to my home again.

Everyone else: (grin widely)

Allele: (sighs heavily) Guess I have to play the role of hospitable… hostess, I guess. (opens the fridge door beside her, and takes out a box of chocolates.) Want some?

**kel-gi****  
2006-06-02**

"lol,this fic rocks!keep goin'!

I have a question for Tifa:

**Hey, Teefs it looks like you like Cloud. Why? You're such a wonderful girl and you have to like Cloud**? Ok he's nice but...I mean c'mon there's Vincent, Sephiroth, Reno, Rufus, Kadaj, Yazoo...**why it has to be Cloud? **Also, he keeps ignoring you! There are lots of wonderful hotties!...Like Reno!(note: I'm a huge ReTi fan!)

(no offense to Cloud fans!We all know he's cool!)"

Tifa: I don't really know why I keep on chasing Cloud. Yes, I'm not that blind as to not notice that he does keep ignoring me… I think the director hypnotized me into liking him. I didn't even like Cloud that much when we were kids in Nibelheim!

Rude: … What about Reno? ("Oh, my poor broken heart!")

Allele: Yes, take Reno, Tifa! Seph and Vincent are already taken! (waggles eyebrows)

Reno: (to Tifa) You free tonight?

Tifa: (blush) Okay.

**One Winged Cetra****  
2006-06-02**

"this is getting better and better!

**for Sephiroth**: this has been bugging me for some time now. **when you killed Aeris/Aerith how come you weren't wearing any gloves on your hands whilst descending but had them on when you yanked the sword out of her? **

WARNING: Sephiroth has just eaten some chocolate. (!)**  
**

Sephiroth: Well, just before I was to go to the altar and kill Aerith, I had to stop by the washroom. Then when I turned around, I noticed that my gloves were gone! I loved them, they were my favorite pair, and I wouldn't leave them for the world, but I had a schedule to keep, you know. So off I went to kill Aerith, and just when I was about to pull out my sword my gloves suddenly came back! (smiles broadly)

"**for Cid: what influence made you start to swear in almost every sentence you say?**

Cid: Swearing? (shakes head) Oh, no, I wouldn't think of doing such a thing!

Tifa: (leans towards the camera, whispering) Cid's been trying to get rid of _that _habit for some time now.

Elena: (nods) Yeah, some Square Enix reps have been telling him to stop cussing since kids are a part of our audience.

Cid: Yes, that's exactly why- oh, screw it! Who the $)Y& am I fooling! #&($!

Zack: (clapping) Good to have you back, Cid.

Cid: (face-plants) Look, dammit, it's not my fault. This habit's been in our family for generations.

Reeve: Hmm… (pauses to imagine Cid's ancestors swearing ever since the beginning of time)

"**for Vincent: have you ever thought of getting your hair cut?** you look good with short and long hair but doesn't it get in the way sometimes? (don't hate me)

Allele: NO! I love Vincent with his shampoo commercial-quality hair! (glomps)

Vincent: (mutters) I thought she'd get sick of me after three years, but no… (contemplates suicide)

"**To Cloud: when you went into don whatever's house and you got chosen, you almost kissed him. Is there something you're not telling us? **Because you hesitated when Aeris/ Aerith and Tifa came in."

Cloud: (giggle) I just got carried away. (blush)

Every straight man in the tent: (shudder)

Aerith: I think he's had too much chocolate, Tifa.

Tifa: I agree.

Barret: Well, that's something you don't see everyday.

Rufus: What? Tifa and Aerith agreeing on something?

Barret: No, Cloud overdosing on chocolate.

**Lady Lilliana****  
2006-06-02**

"Okay, this is really good! A few more questions:

**1) Kadaj, is every other character in Advent Children really tall, or are you just short? (no offence.)  
**

Kadaj: (pouts) … I'm short. I admit it.

"**2) Yazoo & Loz, don't all the Yazoo/Loz fanfics out there bother you? And do they have any basis?  
**

Camera: (pans to show Allele shaking in a corner due to extreme homophobia)

Cloud: (scratches head) Sorry 'bout that, she's been like that since she was twelve.

Aerith: And some questions here aren't helping.

Yazoo: (faces the camera) Those fics? ... Nope, no basis at all.

Loz: We're not really bothered by such trivial matters.

Kadaj: Unless someone forgets to buy Loz his supply of hair gel. (smirks)

"**3) Reno, do you dye your hair or is it naturally orange?** (again, no offence. I like it.)

Reno: Thanks. It's natural. I'm the only natural redhead around here. Or is it orangehead? (flips hair)

"**4) Tseng, aren't you just a little hacked off that you got such a tiny role in Advent Children?**

Tseng: Just had to remind me…

Elena: (patting him on the back) There, there… (blushing)

"**5) (Dammit, I can't shut up) Sephiroth, doesn't it get to you that Yazoo stole your look?"**

Yazoo: I DID NOT steal Sephiroth's look!

Sephiroth: Yeah, I have the Bangs of Doom™ and he doesn't.

**Schemergirl****  
2006-06-02**

"Love this. I have a bunch of questions:

**Aerith: why do you like pink so much?**

Aerith: (singing to the tune of Barney) I love pink, you love pink, we all love the color pink…

Everyone else 'cept Seph: Awww… (because Aerith looks cute when she's singing. )

"**Zack: what is the relationship between you and Seph?  
**

Zack: (eyeing the letter suspiciously) I know what you're thinking… oh, I know. And I'm not gonna give you the answer you want. Seph just used to be my superior in the army. That's it.

Yuffie: What Zack's trying to say is that Seph's the dominant one.

Allele: (suddenly sways) No more yaoi references, for crying out loud!

Red XIII: But they love torturing you!

Cloud: Yeah, I still haven't recovered from the trauma you caused me when you wrote the CLOUD manual!

Allele: (grabs box of chocolate) No more chocolate for everyone!

Kadaj: (teary-eyed) No more cookies too?

Allele: NO MORE!

Everyone else except Aerith and Tifa: Okay, no more yaoi references, we promise!

Aerith: (whispering to Tifa) That's some chocolate Allele's got, everyone else's been acting extremely OOC.

Tifa: Gotta get me some of those.

"**Vincent: do you happen to have any long lost twin sisters? because, erm, we look WAY alike...**"

runs away from vincent fanboys

Vincent: As far as I know, I was born an only child. Unless my mom or dad had a sordid affair with someone else.

**A random Heartless(Shadow)**

**2006-06-02**

"THIS IS COMEDIC! Oh and I have a question **for the guys. What would you do if you were called gay? I mean homosexual."**

Sephiroth: Let's have Cloud answer that one.

Cloud: No, let's not.

Rufus: Well, if it was me, I'd be as noisy as possible.

Zack: And why should that be so?

Rufus: Because silence means yes.

**x Belles Reminisce****  
2006-06-02**

"What a delightfully odd story. It actually made me laugh out loud a few times. Now I have to ask a question or five.

**For Reno: What type of girl do you prefer to date, how many girlfriends have you had, where do you take them on dates, and just how far have you gone?**

Reno: Depends on the girl.

Elena: Can't you be a little more specific?

Reno: (inhales deeply and speaking very quickly) First she mustn't be taller than me but I don't want anyone too short any height between 5 feet and 5 feet 5 inches is okay then she also has to have long hair but short hair's acceptable too and I like girls who have a BMI of at least 20 I want my girls to be clean they mustn't be doing drugs I don't want someone who smokes but drinking is fine because I drink too she has to have a clear complexion and can appreciate my jokes and all the other stuff I say that aren't jokes blah blah blah…

Elena: Okay OKAY STOP! Forget the 'specific' thing!

Reno: (takes a deep breath again) About time, too. I've had maybe… five girlfriends. I think.

Rude: (shakes his head gravely)

Tseng: (folds his arms, thinking) Why do the girls always crowd around Reno? Maybe I should try dyeing my hair red…

Reno: For dates, I take them to Junon or to the Golden Saucer. If I have the gil to burn, then the Icicle Inn's a nice place too. Then… (looks at the last part of the letter, eyes widening) Now wait just one diddley minute… I can't answer this!

Yuffie: (rolls eyes) Oh come on, you know you want to!

Reno: I've… I've only reached the first base. (looks down) Happy?

Everyone else: Yes

"**For Cloud: Dude, we all know you and Reno have something going on. Have you checked him out before? ;)  
**

Reno: (eyes widen again)

Aerith: "Something going on"? God, I sure hope not.

Cloud: Why won't they give me a break? First they pair me with Sephiroth, then Zack, then Cid, then (maybe) Barret, then Vincent, then Rufus, then the triplets, now with the Turks! Why do they keep on turning me into everyone's bitch!

Allele: (clears throat)

Cloud: (sighs) Yeah, I know you hate me and would rather die than end up with me. That's very nice of you. Thanks for the support, Allele.

Cait Sith: But Allele told me once that she had a crush on you a long time ago, even before she played FF7 and laid eyes on Sephiroth and Vincent.

Allele: You damn cat! Come here and I'll skin you!

"**For the boys in general: Where do y'all work out?**

Thanks. Keep on writing."

The boys in general: No specific place.

Yazoo: But the gym in Junon is excellent.

Cloud: That's way better than the gym I went to in Midgar. (shudders at the memory)

**Raven2120****  
2006-06-02**

"Has anyone made a RENO manual? Because I was thinking about it...and if someone already did then I won't bother...I was also thinking about a RUDE manual as well...well let me know please...

Allele: No one's made any of those yet, dear, and I don't think I will 'coz I don't know Rude and Reno well enough to make manuals of them. Go ahead and make some.

"**Alright I have a question for Vincent**

When you and the rest of Clouds party confronted Hojo, near the end of the game, and he was trying to send power to Sephiroth then Hojo said Sephiroth was his son and you responded with "...!" and then went on to say that Hojo should have slept not you**... Did you believe that Sephiroth was your son at one point, and if so then what exactly happened between you and Lucrecia."**

Vincent: This question makes me feel uncomfortable.

Sephiroth: Ditto.

Allele: I think the evidence speaks for itself. Vincent wouldn't have reacted like that if he. Didn't. do. _Anything_. With Lucrecia.

Loz: You mean Vincent thought that Ni-san was his son by Lucrecia because he slept with her before but it was Hojo all along?

Vincent: … Thank you for putting it so bluntly, Loz.

**SapphireXSerpent****  
2006-06-02**

"What? You forgot my question. (_No, I didn't forget it; you just didn't make it to the cut-off date. –Allele) _Here it is again.

**I have a question for...Reeve: Was there a girl, in FFVII, that you liked/had a crush on/thought was pretty?"**

Reeve: Even if there was one, I won't tell you.

Cait Sith: He still goes out on dates from time to time, though. Drop by here sometime and see for yourself!

**RubyVulpix  
2006-06-02**

"Great chapter!  
It's really good!

**About the questions, Yuffie, where did you get that ninja star weapon of yours? It's really cool!**

Yuffie: Weapon shops around the world make good weapons, but my favorite one came from Konoha! (_Naruto)_

Aerith: (eyebrow raise) And why did they give you one?

Yuffie: Something about providing inspiration for the creation of Mitarashi Anko. Whoever that is.

"**Violet: And Yuffie, what is your favorite kind of materia?**

Yuffie: Any materia will do! (grins)

Sephiroth: (tries hiding Black Materia™ in his coat pocket without making any sudden movements)

Yuffie: And Black Materia™ counts too. (grabs Black Materia™ from Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: --;

"**Edna: And Vincent, where did you get that cape?**

Me: E,I thought you had something against capes!  
Edna: I know dahling, I know, but he didn't have any trouble with it, unlike other super heroes who had capes!  
Dash: It's really good so far!  
Me: Keep up the good work and update soon!"

Vincent: My father gave this to me. It's a cape we pass on from generation to generation; from father to son.

Tifa: Wow, no wonder it looks like it's falling apart.

Allele: Shame Vincent can't pass it on to Kairi though.

**  
**

**swordsman  
2006-06-02**

"Good fic. I have yet another pointless question for cloud: **how come you didn't use the ultima weapon in advent children?"**

Cloud: Good, because I have too have a pointless answer: My other swords deserve more screen time.

Cloud's other swords: Ulti's an attention hog!

**bishonen lover  
2006-06-02**

"wow I'm loving your story here's some questions. **1. for Reno, what's with you and Yazoo ,you guys fought the whole time during ac. 2.for Barret you really deserve more fame."**

Barret: I agree with the whole fame thing. Mebbe those people at Square Enix can put me in a Dirge of Cerberus of my own.

Yazoo: Me and Reno fought for 99 of the movie 'cause the producer paid us good money.

Reno: I'm with you, man. Now I can buy a villa or two next to Cloud's in Costa del Sol.

Cloud: (shakes head, whilst thinking) Oh god, hell no.

**Princess of War****  
2006-06-02**

"Hee, this is great. XD

**I have a question for Vincent: What's up with your shoes? Are your feet really that long? ;"**

Vincent: The damn costume designer made me wear them. (scowls)

**FFlove190****  
2006-06-02**

"**FF: This chappie made my head hurt  
Zack: ... I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! TT breaks down  
FF: And this chappie wasn't very funny eitherz... sorry to say it, not even a chuckle out of me. Well... yeah... I'm done now..."**

Allele: Bleargh… then get the hell out of my sight, I don't need people like you. And see if I ever answer a question from you again. You could've just kept quiet, dear. I'm not really expecting a review from you for every piece of I do.

**Lord Makura****  
2006-06-02  
**

"Awesome chapter! XD  
**i have a question for vinnie! 'Are you sure your not a vampire after hojo messed up with your body cause your eyes are red like the one's of a vampy! **like Alucard from hellsing!'"

Vincent: For the last time, I am not a vampire, damn it.

Reno: That's not very nice.

Vincent: And so is being mistaken for a vampire.

Rude: For about the 450305981th time.

**Bytemite  
2006-06-02  
**

"I got one.

What was Reeve on when he designed Cait Sith? Normally, I'd think a person building a robot in order to infiltrate a mostly human terrorist group would make it look, you know, mostly human? And give it guns, instead of a mog and a megaphone."

Reeve: Exactly! If I designed a robot that looked human that had guns instead of a mog and a megaphone, it would've been obvious that it could be the spy. No one would suspect that a stuffed cat on an oversized mog would be a traitor.

Cloud: That's not really something to be proud of, Reeve.

**Bond of Flame09****  
2006-06-03  
**

"Wow! I love this! I can't breath anymore! I think that Vincent's clothes go to some AU, just like every monster you destroy in the FF world! Then somehow appear between the time between the EXP and Items Gained menus, then I guess the rabid fangirls can take it from there. Yeah, I'm not crazy like that, I like a lot of characters; Vincent is my favorite naturally, then...yeah, Cid is awesome...he's number 2, then...Rufus or Sephiroth, whatever...my grandma likes Cloud cause his voice actor is Steve Burton...it's crazy! She thinks he's hot! (This isn't a decript old lady here! This is 85 mph in a Navigator on a public street!) I swear, my friends are always saying that Vincent is my loving vampire that will suck my blood...they found their Edward Elric doll with a knife through his gut. Yes, I do impale things nowadays, ya know, stress...  
I loved your Guide to VINCENT..I enjoyed the fangirl killing...my SEPHIROTH and CLOUD were laughing like crazy ppl...

Okay, I have some questions...

"For Vincent: Why couldn't you be a major character? Yuffie is alright, but, I'm anti-Yuffie w/ Vincent...You would have been a better major character than...Barret! He's ok too, but well...you know...the cape is cooler. And will you PLEASE kill my friend's crush...you aren't a vampire...so what if you sleep in a coffin? That doesn't make someone a vampire! You must get those people who think so!

Vincent: I completely agree with you. And for the last time I am NOT a vampire! (gets a heart attack)

Allele: You really should calm down, you're already over 50.

"For Cid: It's not a question...you are awesome and please keep kicking more ass the ol' Highwind style! (But must you sound like a redneck? You make people in Texas sound bad! We don't talk like that, except my redneck step-dad!)

Cid: … My bad. Sorry.

Everyone else: oO

"For Tifa: Please, I beg of you Tifa! DO NOT MARRY Rufus in a need of money if Cloud picks (Aeris or Aerith) over you! You will kidnap Reno and torture him and the world! Making you a...#! I loved your fight seen with Loz in AC! Don't ruin my wish to kick $$ like you!

Tifa: Don't worry hun, Cloud would never pick Aerith over me.

Aerith: (rolls eyes)

"Note to Hojo: If you don't stop torturing Vincent and Sephiroth, I will write a fic on self-insertion and personally make a graphic fight scene of my character (some random Organization XI personage) beating the... out of you!

And yeah, please write more manuals! You do such an EXCELLENT job!"

Hojo Labrats: Yes please!

Hojo Fangirl: Yay Hojo!

Hojo Labrats: (collective glare)

**FullyMenatlandObsessed****  
2006-06-10  
**

"Yay, You answered my questions! Vincent is so calm and collected... LURV! glomp gun to head Err, right... sorry Vincent... MOVING RIGHT ALONG! Question time!

1)Kadaj- How old are you? I have no Idea, At first I thought you where 18 or something, then I thought you where 14, then I looked on the internet and couldn't find anything... So, How old are you?

Kadaj: Hey, ni-san (faces Seph), how old am I?

Sephiroth: How should I know? I don't even know my own age.

Yazoo: I'd say Kadaj is in his teens.

"2) Cloud, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz- Are you the only ones in FF7 who know how to ride a bike? I asked because you guys are the only ones riding motorcycles. SO are you?

Aerith: (harrumphs) Just because they're the only ones riding bikes in FF7 doesn't mean they're the only ones who know how to. Look, I have one of my own. (points to a shiny pink bike outside the tent)

"3) Kadaj- Will you go bike rideing with me? PRETTY PLZ?

Lurv, FMO"

Kadaj: Hmm… why not? Ok.

**EmperorJaden****  
2006-06-16  
**

Chuckles "Very good story! I had to beat my minions away with a stick to finally be able to read it again.

Here's some questions.

Sephiroth and/or Vincent: How much would it cost me to hire one or both of you to kill a couple of my enemies?

Vincent: 1,000,000 gil. Each. For every enemy. But we offer discounts for bulk orders.

"Aerith: Your really pretty. Did you know that?

Aerith: (blush) Yes, I know. Tee-hee.

Tifa: (rolls eyes)

"Tifa: Why not just challenge Aerith to a fight, and whoever wins gets Cloud?

Tifa: Sure! Why not? I'm sure I'll win anyway!

"Cloud: How many times has someone kicked your ass?

Cloud: (grumbles) I lost count.

"Sephiroth: If you're so very powerful, why use meteor?

Sephiroth: Mother made me do it. And because I'm bloody confident.

"Vincent: Why haven't you been in the KH games yet, you and Sephiroth are two of the most awesome characters in the game, so why was only Sephiroth used?

Vincent: I have no idea myself. Here's to hoping that someone (clears throat) out there in Square Enix puts me in the third one!

"Allele: are there still any known postings of the story in which you were a mary-sue?

Allele: No! Never! No mortal shall ever lay eyes on my Mary-Sue-ness ever again!

Sephiroth: Such fics are unfit for human viewing. But she still has copies of them on her computer.

Allele: (glares)

"The FFVII Cast: About how many of the other FF game character's asses do you think you could beat into the ground? Individual.

And sorry for all the questions, update soon."

Cloud:All of them. Specially the ones who're vying for my title of "Biggest Big-Ass sword user".

Aerith: All the ones who hate pink.

Tifa: Rinoa, Garnet, and Yuna for trying to depose me from my throne of hottest FF babe. And Zell too, if he doesn't stop mooching my moves.

Zack: All of 'em.

Vincent: Irvine, Yuna, everyone else who uses a gun.

Sephiroth: Kuja, Ultimecia, etc. etc.

Yuffie: Anyone 'cept Selphie and Rikku. We're friends!

Cid: All #)(& of them.

Barret: All.

Red XIII: Angelo from FF8.

Cait Sith: Ditto.

Reeve: Cid from FF8.

Everyone else: Huh?

Reeve: What? I want to build my own school too.

Reno: Axel from KH. And everyone else who wants to challenge me.

Rude: Cid from FFX for trying to steal my place as the Mr. Clean of the series.

Rufus: Cloud. (glares)

Elena: Larxene from KH. And all the other add-ons.

Kadaj: Riku from KH. And the Riku Replica, too. And everyone else in the FF series who has silver hair.

Yazoo & Loz: Hear, hear!

**Xemnas  
2006-06-17  
**

Well, I'm glad I found this, now I have a base for the Organization.

On a good note: I have knocked up Larxene

back on topic: Sephiroth, why did you rape a sheep?

Sephiroth: I didn't rape a sheep! (pouts)

**KumikoAnoriko****  
2006-06-26  
**

" 1. I changed my name (i was darkHikarilover)

2. I have an answer to a previous question  
Cloud wasn't allowed into SOLIDER because his body didn't accept the first Mako injections that was recquired to join SOLIDER and because of that, evil Hojo injected more Mako and that resulted in poisening, and then he threw him aside because his body also didn't accept the Jenova cells (they're inside Zack and Seph though points at two guys)

Aerith: (looks at Zack) They're inside you too? Eeww…

3. I have a question for Kadaj...

I have learned that if you stand in water for awhile in leather, the leather turns all wrinkly and crappy and stuff. How do you keep your leather all nice and perfect?" blinks

Kadaj: I spray Crisco on my outfit before going out. (blinks)

Yazoo: Yeah, we have a whole crapload of it at home.

**scarlettHuntress****  
2006-07-04  
**

OOh! question time! ookay ookay- mine is...

Why did Rufus's hair colour change between the game and AC, and HOW THE HELL DID HE SURVIVE WEAPON'S BLAST?

Not that i'm complaining, Rufus is cool "

Rufus: Ihave no idea. Ask Tetsuya Nomura-san.

**Saori Aki Orimi****  
2006-07-21  
**

Fourth dimensional. nods  
All things are fourth dimensional. Like the keyblade. It disappears and comes back randomly. Therefore the clothes go to the fourth dimension when he transforms and comes back when he... un-transforms. .

By the way, love the fic. It's absolutely amazing, I adore it, and it made me die laughing. Even if it is going around in circles.

Quick question I was too shy to ask earlier: Would you mind if somebody wrote drabblefics concerning those models mentioned in the guides?

Allele: Sure, why not? I'm sick of making manuals anyway.

FF7 Cast: (silently cheer)

Elena: But the AERITH and TIFA manuals are hers to make.

Aerith & Tifa: (silently weep)

Allele: Now that this day's round of questions is over, can I ask yet another stupid question for closure?

Yuffie: Like we can do anything to stop you.

Allele: Okay… Cloud, how do you feel (now that you're all rendered in jaw-dropping graphics) about doing the Wall Market dress-up scene again?

Cloud: … I thought you didn't want any more yaoi references?

_Well, that's it for today. Send in your questions through a review. Cut-off date for questions is two months from the last chapter posted. Ja_


	7. Chapter 7

The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square Enix.

**At Bone Village**

Akari: Hey everyone! It's me, Akari! Welcome to the-

Random reader: (throws random huge materia)

Akari: (gets hit face-first) What the hell was that for?

Random reader: You made us wait for more than a year just for this stupid update you BLEEP!

Akari: No I didn't! I just started writing last March 03!

Random reader: You started this fic ONE YEAR ago. March 03, 2006. Rings a bell?

Akari: Oh. (looks at calendar) Right. My bad. :P

Cloud: Now that's what I call living in the past.

Akari: I didn't ask for your opinion so get lost!

Cloud: Fine. (grumbles, walks off)

Naminé: Mom, your "guests" are here.

Tifa: Guests?

(Rest of FF7 cast comes in)

Cloud: (looks at Naminé) Are you sure she's not my daughter, Akari?

Akari: Hell no!

Vincent: She's Kairi's Nobody, so in a way, Naminé's our daughter.

Akari: So technically, Roxas is YOUR child too, Cloud.

Aerith: (sparkles)

Cloud: Great. Another son I didn't ask for.

Aerith: (beats Cloud senseless with Princess Guard) Stop resenting our children!

Cloud: Maybe I would if YOU would stop resenting ME!

Tifa: I'm always here for you, Cloud.

Red XIII: (holds a paw to his head) Not again!

Rufus: Such sickening sweetness…

Akari: Someone here stop them before I get diabetes.

Everyone else: (look at Akari)

Akari: What? … Oh yeah. I'm that someone. (writes)

Tifa: (Now beating Cloud with Premium Heart)

Cloud: Why do I always get beat up?

Aerith: This is for messing up my flowers at church! (SMACK)

Tifa: This is for not noticing my boob job! (POW)

Aerith: This is for giving the Black Materia to Sephiroth! (CRASH)

Tifa: This is for buying a flower from Aerith AND giving it to me! (BAM)

Aerith & Tifa: This is for looking at the girl in the bikini at Costa del Sol! (SMASH CRACK BOOM)

Vincent: This may take a while.

Yuffie: Let's get on with the fic!

**Lord Makura****  
**

**bloody awesome chapter!!  
here my question for vinny : what do you feel when yuffie call you vinny (or somebody else)  
(please don't kill me T T )**

Akari: Let's peek inside Vincent's mind.

Vincent: (brings out Cerberus and starts loading bullets)

Akari: On the other hand, never mind.

**(start of hypothetical situation)**

Vincent: (ambling out of his coffin with a glad-to-be-alive look on his face)

Yuffie: Hey Vinny! (runs off with his materia.)

Vincent: …

Cait Sith: G'morning, Vinny! (hops away on his mooglesaurus)

Vincent: …

Tifa: Good morning, Vinny! (sashays off to get her hair done)

Vincent: (twitch, accidentally bumps into Cid)

Cid: Get out of the effin' way Vinny!

Vincent: (grumbles)

Cloud: Yo, Vinny-

Vincent: (transforms into Chaos) WOULD YOU ALL STOP CALLING ME VINNY? IT ONLY HAS TWO SYLLABLES LIKE MY REAL NAME SO THERE'S NO USE IN SHORTENING IT!!!

Cloud: (squeaks) O-okay.

Vincent: (reverts)

Vincent Fan Girls: Yay Vinny- (get obliterated)

**(end of hypothetical situation)**

Aerith: (to Vincent) You sure have a sick mind.

Tifa: I know someone sicker.

Akari: (twiddling her thumbs while looking at the ceiling)

**One Winged Cetra****  
**

**this chapter was the best thank you so much for updating. **

question time!  
nanaki i don't get you're family tree-your dad is the race as you but your grampa is a human. i thought that it meant your mum was a human but that just gives disturbing images in my head if you know what i mean so can you plz explain.

Akari: This is official- see for yourselves at Wikipedia. Apparently, Nanaki has this mate from his own species named… I think it was Dinne? Yeah. During the actual FF7 game she was in a 2-year spiritual retreat or something like that, so we didn't see her. 

Cloud: So there's really no need for the audience to cook up scenes involving bestiary.

Cid: It's "bestiality", you stupid kid.

Cloud: (to Akari) Please… let me say something decent… even once…

Akari: (reading KH manga) You said somethin'?

Cloud: (dissolves into tears)

**sephiroth why do you name your hair?-bangs of doom is so lame.**

Sephiroth: Funny you should ask. I didn't name my hair myself. Akari here was surfing some sites in search of info about me because she's a stalker.

Akari: A role which I'm proud of.

Sephiroth: Some website out there called my bangs "The Bangs of Doom"… hey, fans, if you're going to name my hair, name it something more original. Calling my hair Bangs of Doom makes it seem like a biological hazard.

**  
tifa do you have your own style because in AC you stole rinoa's look (not being mean just wondering) cause we all know that Tetsuya Nomura-san likes to put ff8 in everything.**

Tifa: Wuh? I didn't steal Rinoa's look! My bangs are on the right side of my face! Rinoa's bangs are on the left!

Aerith: And your point would be…?

Vincent (who is not a vampire and anyone who says he is will get snipered) wat was your mum like if you remember her (if i make you upset or go quiet then i am very sorry)

keep up the good work 

Vincent: Hey Dad, what was Mom like?

Prof. Grimoire: Your mom? … Hmm. I can't remember. Was it Laura? Or Venus? Or Irene? I can't remember…

Vincent: Who the hell were those?

Prof. Grimoire: Uh…

Vincent: You slept with other women aside from Mom, didn't you?

Prof. Grimoire: Well how else would the gaming and anime industry get so many characters with the surname "Valentine"?

Vincent: … I don't know you anymore.

**Schemergirl****  
**

**Hey, you finally updated! This was a funny chapter... **

Anyway.

To the SHM: Do you have a leather fetish? 

Kadaj: A leather fetish? Hardly.

Yazoo: One of the sponsors for the _Advent Children_ movie was a clothing company.

Loz: We got free clothes!

Aerith: While some of us didn't. (harrumphs)

To Vincent: What do you think about wierd pairings involving you, ie Sephiroth/Vincent, Hojo/Vincent, Red/Vincent?

Mwaahahahaha. 

Vincent: What do I think? Well, first I mope-

Akari: Like that's anything new.

Vincent: (glares) Then I shoot random things with my gun, then I calm down because those pairings don't have any basis in real life, anyway.

**Lady Lilliana****  
**

**One day I'll shut up, I promise. Allele, you should consider getting yourself a fan following.  
**

Akari (formerly called Allele): Aw, shucks. (happy face)

**To Rufus: You are aware that in the game your suit looks like a dress?  
**

Rufus: In the words of Barret from Chapter 1, the goddamn dress designer made me wear it.

Barret: But at least it wasn' a real dress, foo.

Everyone else: (eyes shift to Cloud)

Cloud: Must we bring that up every time?

Everyone else: Yes.

**  
To Vincent: The whole problem with Sephiroth was Lucrecia's fault. Why d'ya hate YOURSELF for it?  
**

Akari: I've been telling him that for years. Hopefully your question can get through his thick skull in ways I failed to.

Vincent: (sigh) It's in my nature to hate myself.

**  
To Cloud: Surely there was some better way to get into the Don's mansion than to dress up as a girl. Was it just that you wanted to be pretty?  
**

Cloud: NO I DIDN'T!

Everyone else: YES HE DID!

Cloud: What are you guys talking about? Most of you weren't even there!

Tifa: I got the whole thing on TiVo.

Cloud: (shaking his head and muttering to himself, "Why me?") We could've just barged into the place and Omnislashed Corneo's goons, Aerith.

Aerith: But if you didn't dress up, then FF7 wouldn't be as popular as it is now.

Yuffie: Yeah! We have to be the most popular game in the series! Take that FF8!!!

Rufus: And without that scene, there wouldn't be as many doujinshi titles about you as there are now, Cloud.

Cloud: … You read doujinshi?

Rufus: … Excuse me. I have to get back to the office. (runs outta the tent)

Akari: Hey! There are fangirls waiting for you outside!

Rufus (being run over by fangirls): Get them off me! SECURITY!!!

**  
To Nanaki: How the HELL did you let Cait Sith persuade you to let him ride you?  
**

Nanaki: Cait Sith told me he'd make me President of the WRO once it was organized. Turns out he wouldn't. (glares)

Cait Sith: But I had some people make a website for you, didn't I? Wasn't that enough?

Nanaki: Cait Sith, it only had one page. With my picture. And a stat counter.

Cait Sith: Hey, if I had even a Youtube account, I wouldn't complain. So quit yappin'.

Nanaki: I'll show you YAPPIN'! (tears Cait Sith to shreds)

Everyone else: Yay!

**  
To Tifa: That boob job isn't fooling anyone.  
**

Tifa: Not even Cloud?

Barret: He wouldn't know a boob if he saw one.

Cloud: What's a boob job?

Everyone else: (sigh)

**  
FullyMenatlandObsessed, Tetsuya Nomura says in an interview that Kadaj is 16. Yazoo is 23 and Loz is 29. Though if they're Sephiroth's remenants they should all be two. And in Advent Children Sephiroth is 28.**

Akari: Thank you (looks back at script) Lady Lilliana for pointing that out! I honestly didn't know that. The only resources I have are the original FF7 game itself and Wikipedia. I don't have the time (and the internet connection) to wade through all the FF7 info floating around.

Cloud: Says a lot about how lazy you really are.

Akari: Well at least I'm not a transvestite, unlike someone else I could mention…

Cloud: Dissin' me. That's a hobby of yours, isn't it?

Akari: I'm amazed. You're actually capable of brain activity.

Aerith: Oh yeah. Takes a lot of time for him, though.

Cloud: Not you too Aerith…

**KumikoAnoriko****  
**

**Love this story! **

hey Yuffie... what are you like on expresso? I mean you act so hyper normally 

Yuffie: What am I like on espresso? I dunno I've never had espresso hey can someone give me some espresso???

Everyone else: No.

Cloud: (gives Yuffie some espresso)

Yuffie: (nothing but a yellow blur bouncing off the walls)

Akari: I'm not stopping her.

Vincent: Me neither.

Cloud: Hey, could someone stop her?

Everyone else: (glare)

Cloud: Hey, I'm only as dumb as she makes me! (points to Akari)

Akari: No you're not. You don't need any tweaking to become any dumber.

Cloud Fan Girls: That's not very nice!

Akari: And so is he. (points back to Cloud)

Cloud: (sighs and faces Sephiroth) Gimme the Black Materia so I can summon Meteor now…

Sephiroth: Knowing you, you'd probably screw that up too.

Cloud: (contemplating suicide)

**  
to anyone... What do you guys look like in kimonos (especially Sephiroth-sama wink wink)?  
**

Akari: (giggling)

Cloud: (sigh) What is it now?

Akari: (holds up a picture of Cloud in a dress)

Cloud: Hey! You can't show that on global TV!

Akari: I already did.

Tifa and Yuffie: (laughing themselves silly over pics of the guys wearing dresses)

Aerith: Is this supposed to be Sephiroth? (pointing to a pic of Sephiroth in Edea's (FF8) dress)

Sephiroth: Hey, at least I change clothes once in a while, unlike SOMEONE here who owns nothing but pink dresses!

Aerith: You want a fight, pretty boy? Bring it!

Akari: (oblivious to Aerith and Sephiroth mauling each other) Back in the summer of 2005 I got a bunch of FF7 character concept art images and, using the magic of Paint, put them ALL, not in kimonos, but in dresses. (clears throat) I still end up with colic whenever I see them.

Tifa: She put me in a pretty blue dress. I love her.

Yuffie: How come I didn't get a dress?

Cloud: That's because you never wore one in the game.

Akari: (coughs) But you did.

Cloud: (coughs) And so did everyone else (holds up copies of the pictures)

**FLASHBACK**

**Welcome to Midgar's Annual Fashion Show! Where we make celebrities wear uncomfortable clothes for the sake of raising money so Akari can finally buy a PS2. Tonight, the characters you've all been waiting for! Wearing floor-length creations designed by Akari AND wearing makeup, let's give it up for the almost-complete main cast of Final Fantasy VII!**

**Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!**

**First up, we have ex- SOLDIER Cloud Strife modeling a lovely violet number. Come on over, "Cloudette"!**

Cloud: (pushed onstage while wearing a dress of violet silk with a big pink bow on the front) I hate this.

**Come on, don't be shy! Twirl! TWIRL, I SAY!**

Cloud: I'll show you twirl! (brings out Ultima Weapon) Making me wear a wig and MAKEUP in front of all of these people? DIE AKARI!!!

**Okaaay. NEXT!**

Aerith: (walks onstage wearing a –GASP- strapless dress in red silk, luscious brown hair worn down)

Half of Midgar's male population: (whistles)

Aerith: (striking a pose) I always wanted to do this.

**Huh? Whowoudathunk. Next, we have Barret Wallace, ready to show us what he wears when he wants to enjoy a nice walk in the park!**

Barret: (tugging at the puffy-sleeved yellow dress with LACE he was made to wear) Foo, you can't even enjoy DYING if you're wearing this!

**But I'm sure you like your wig. **

Barret: (looks at the curly black hair over his shoulders) Does it have a ribbon?

**Yes.**

Barret: (sighs and readies gun-arm)

**Thanks Barret, you can kill me later. First let's see what Tifa is wearing.**

Tifa: (saunters down the catwalk to a million wolf whistles) Oh, I'm not that sexy.

**Tifa, the slit on that blue slinky dress of yours reaches up to your hip.**

Tifa: Yeah, but it looks tame compared to my black miniskirt in FF7.

**Yes, and your face in makeup looks tame compared to makeup-covered mugs of the guys.**

Tifa: (curtsies) Thank you!

**You're welcome. Let's look at Red XIII next. **

Red XIII: (walks onstage with head bowed down) I have failed you, grandfather…

**Oh come on, you're only wearing a white dress with red polka dots on it. That's not so bad.**

Red XIII: Akari, you made me wear makeup, for crying out loud. And pearl bracelets. Members of my kind DO NOT WEAR MAKEUP AND PEARL BRACELETS!

**But you wear big pink hearts on your flaming tails?**

Red XIII: (looks at his tail, a very big pink shiny plastic heart on its end) G-ggh… (gets a heart attack)

**Someone clean Red up before this gets messy. Cid, you're next.**

Cid: (being dragged by a hook attached to the Highwind) You can't make me! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!! (followed by a long list of unmentionable words)

**Cid, you look like an overgrown Christmas tree. Literally. What happened?**

Cid: What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? (looks down at the flowing green dress with layered skirts, red and gold trimming on the hems and sleeves) You designed it!

**But I didn't design that long, wavy blond wig with the big red ribbon on top. **

Cid: (now clutching Venus Gospel) DAMN &()& SHERA!

**And now, the piẻce de résistance… SEPHIROTH AND VINCENT IN DRESSES!!!**

Fangirls: (go berserk) WE LOVE YOU!!!

**I wondered if Final Fantasy villains are friends with one another. Turns out they are. That's why Sephiroth is wearing Edea's dress.**

Sephiroth: (Masamune in hand) Akari, do you want to follow Aerith into the Lifestream?

**It's not that bad! I didn't even get Edea's headpiece for you.**

Sephiroth: If you make me wear that thing, I would personally lock you in a room with Palmer.

**(clears throat) Point taken. Vincent, you're up.**

Vincent: (taking little steps because he's wearing a girl's kimono) Akari, what did I do this time?

**What're you talking about?**

Vincent: (tugging at the sleeve of his red kimono with violet flowers on it) What'd I do to make you force me into this?

**Sleeping with Lucrecia decades ago. And for not telling the audience about that. That's why I gave you that umbrella and the sandals, too.**

Vincent: (muttering) Figures.

**That ends our show! Thanks to our sponsor, Cait Sith! Your generous 10000000000 gil donation saved you from the fate of wearing a dress.**

Cait Sith: (hiding Rufus' credit card behind his back) It was nothing.

**Yuffie, make a million copies of the tape for blackmail purposes and another million so you can sell those on the black market.**

Yuffie: Screw materia, why didn't I think of this before?

**Thanks for watching and good night!!**

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Aerith: (looks at script) Wow, we filled up 2 and a half pages.

Tifa: Possibly making this the longest FFVII FAQ chapter ever.

Akari: It's the last chapter; it's the least I can do for the readers (sigh)

Everyone else: (silently celebrating)

**for Cloud... When Sephiroth stabbed you, where was the blood...? I mean with what you were wearing we definitely would have seen blood running down your arm.  
**

Cloud: This may just be me, but I think Masamune is a vampire. There wasn't any blood when Aerith got killed.

Aerith: (sweatdrop)

Sephiroth: For the record, there was blood when I stabbed Cloud. There wasn't any blood when I killed this pitiful creature (points to Aerith) because the game might've been rated Mature.

**  
another for Cloud... In AC when you jumped down after Kadaj and collided with him and he turned into Sephiroth, how in Gaia's name did you balance yourself on his super skinny sword for so long? (you've have to have taken ballet lessons or something to keep that balance)**

Tifa: That's because Cloud only weighs five pounds. Here, look. (flicks Cloud with her finger)

Yuffie: Four pounds of that total weight is hair.

Cloud: (groans)

and on the subject... Vincent, do you take ballet lessons 'cause in AC when you were fighting those were some awesome moves (spinning, twirling, leaping)

thanks! 

Vincent: I did NOT take ballet lessons.

Akari: (silently mouthing "Yes he did") I have proof. (plays videotape)

3-year old Vincent: (in ballet class wearing tights)

Vincent: Where did you get that?

Grimoire: (looking at the ceiling)

Vincent: (fuming) I'm disowning you.

**Donna of the Grey****  
**

**Funny fic you have here! Your works are hilarious! Keep writing and update. Question for Kadaj (RAWR.) **

I saw you doing something bad with Naminé. O.o Won't your Mommy get mad?  


Akari: (getting ready to summon KOTR)

Kadaj: It wasn't me! It was Riku! (points to his twin)

Sephiroth: (getting ready to summon KOTR)

Riku: It wasn't me! It was my replica! (points to Riku Replica)

Vexen: (getting ready to summon KOTR)

Riku Replica: It wasn't me! It was-

Vincent: (sigh) Naminé, did you do something "bad" with Riku?

Naminé: (shakes head)

Vincent: (sighs in relief)

Naminé: Sora kissed me on the cheek, though.

Kairi: (tackles Sora) Damn you!

**And is it true that you made out with Sora? xD**

Riku: No, it's NOT true.

Akari: Aw, he's shy.

Riku: (pointedly glares) Mom.

Sephiroth: My son's all grown up.

Akari: Don't worry Riku, I won't tell them about the time you cried because Pokemon was cancelled on TV.

Riku: Someone tell me I'm adopted…

**Ryu the youkai****  
**

**1.actually all the FF 7 characters are really tall... that or everyone in my city are really short.  
2.Giggles at the thought of Reeve running a school**

Akari: Cloud isn't tall, he's just an inch taller than me.

Aerith: Yeah. He just looks tall because of his hair.

**Emperor Jaden****  
**

**Ahh...A very good update, Greatly enjoyed it! Here are my new questions. **

Sephiroth and Vincent: There are 10 of them, and you've got a deal, just say "when", and that points to a ship that would shame the Highwind will pick you up...A bonus to you both if you make Cloud come dressed up in a jester suit...and another bonus if you don't blow up more then 1/8 of my Empire... 

Sephiroth: Cool.

Vincent: I'm in. I need the money.

Sephiroth: You're broke too?

Vincent: YOU're broke?

Sephiroth: Yeah, all my hair treatments are costing me. How 'bout you?

Vincent: Living with her (jerks head towards Akari), I need all the medication I can get.

**  
Kadaj: If you said that you could beat up all silver haired people in FF seris...does that inculde your brothers?**

Kadaj: Yes! Because we all know that I'm the strongest and all the girls like me because I'm cute and adorable.

Yazoo: If you wore a bunny costume.

**  
The KH characters I'm sure are still there somewhere: Can you please explain your family tree? I found it confusing...**

Kairi: I'm their daughter. Apparently. (points to Vincent and Akari)

Riku: Everyone says I'm his son (looks at Sephiroth) but I'm not sure if she's really my mom (looks at Akari)

Sora: (being patted on the head by Aerith) She's my mom, and that's my old man over there (points to Cloud)

**  
Hojo: If I said I'd give you the ultimate super weapon, would you let everyone beat you relentlessly?**

Hojo: I don't need your inferior super weapons for I am the strongest FF7 character ever!

Cloud: No you're not.

Sephiroth: You're delirious.

Hojo: I created you, didn't I?

Everyone else: (scratch heads)

**  
Aerith: Here's a puppy. Gives Aerith a Chocalte nosed lab puppy**

Aerith: Thank you! I'm gonna name it CLOUD.

Cloud: And why would you do that?

Aerith: I think this (points to the puppy) is what you'd look like if you were a dog.

**  
Tifa: I apoligize or upsetting you, I think you are very pretty yourself.**

Tifa: I already know that.

**  
Cloud: Stop stringing along Tifa and Aerith...They don't deserve it...**

Cloud: They deserve it, man. If only you knew the stuff they put me through!

**  
Yuffie: Would you like to meet me for some Coffee to discuss ninja techniques? **

Have a nice day! and please update soon! 

Yuffie: COFFEE? I LOVE COFFEE! Sure!

**TwilightFairy****  
**

**I've programed ****my SEPHIROTH to respond to the pet name big brother. (I would much rather have Sephiroth and the rest of the SHM as my bodyguarding big brothers.) I've also wasted soo much gil to obtain the rest of the Silver haired collection. Due to random Yaoi stories between the silver hared troupe i shall refrain from yoai questions except this one. **

For Yazoo. I know you are the lazy/more mature/inner femine side that Sephiroth (hell everyone) has, but your "brotherly love" towards loz makes me ask this question.(Via phone call in AC to Loz in the church "I'm not crying" part) Are you gay? 

Yazoo: For the love of Cheerios, I am NOT gay! No one in the series is gay! Even Kuja's not gay! Seymour is not gay! Hojo… I'm not so sure.

Hojo: (glares) A lot of help you've been.

Yazoo: Hey, if you didn't take over Weiss' mind in DoC I would've said you're straight, but you just had to pick him, didn't you?

Hojo: Hmm… Good point.

To Sephiroth- You fell for Omnislash once, why the hell in AC did YOU NOT SEE THAT COMING AGAIN? (even though it was omnislash 5.0)  


Cloud: Because he's a dumbass.

Sephiroth: Dumbass, you just ripped off Akari.

Akari: (to Cloud) Dumbass.

Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

**  
To Cloud- Seeing you in a dress was funny. How did the whole crossplaying feild feel? (going commando in public)  
**

Cloud: (calming down) It's a field I never want to set foot on again.

Aerith: Even if Tifa was in danger again?

Cloud: She's a big girl now, she can take care of herself.

Tifa: (getting ready to summon KOTR)

Cloud: I mean… yeah, I'd save her again so that more yaoi fics about me can be written. (sigh)

**  
To Areith- Did you ever find out what happend to your foster mom after Reeve/Caith Sith kidnapped Marlene? (who was in your foster mom's care) (sorry i can't spell)**

Aerith: (glares at Reeve) From what I've heard, HE offered Mom a date. Which SHE accepted!

Reeve: Hey, it's not my fault I'm sexy.

Akari: Reeve, you're making me uncomfortable.

Cloud: (to Reeve) Say you're sexy! Say you're sexy!

Reeve: You're sexy.

Cloud: AAAAAH Reeve's gay!

Everyone else: (sweatdrop)

**  
Again to Areith- Did you hook up with Zack when you went the life stream?  
**

Aerith: Yes. Yes I did. I have pictures.

Cloud: How can you take pictures in the Lifestream?

Zack: She used the spirit energy of a camera that died.

**  
To the SHM trio- What were your reactions when you found out toward the end of AC that it was Areith that called you into the life stream not mother?**

Kadaj: I went berserk and killed myself again. And again. Like I was a plague.

Yazoo: I went ballistic and shot everything, even the kitchen sink.

Loz: I felt happy.

Kadaj and Yazoo: (edge away from Loz)

to Red XI- How did you find your life partner i thought you were the last of your kind? 

**I'm replaying FF7 while reading this story so these questions are poping up.**

Red XIII: I though so too. But now Square Enix says that I got married to my mate Dinne two years before FF7. I think.

**Okay i forgot to add this question in on my other review. This is to everyone. FF7 and Advent Children Wise. **

If you were trapped on a deserted island with one other person from the FF7 franchise who would it be and why? (and no it cannot be yourself.)

Cloud's gonna have a hard time with that one.. 

Aerith: I want to be stuck with Cait Sith.

Cait Sith: Wow Aerith, I didn't know you felt that way about me!

Aerith: No, I just want to use you as a pillow.

Tifa: Cait Sith too. Same reason as Aerith's.

Kadaj: Mother.

Yazoo: Mother.

Loz: Mother.

Sephiroth: Mother.

Cloud: Sephiroth. So I can finish him off!

Everyone else: Riiiight.

Barret: Marlene.

Cait Sith: Reeve.

Reeve: Cait Sith.

Everyone else: (scratch heads)

Red XIII: I want to be with Grandfather.

Aerith: Red XIII, your grandfather is dead.

Red XIII: And so are you.

Aerith: Good point.

Zack: Cloud, so I can haunt him for ripping me off. He'll never be able to sleep.

Yuffie: Rufus. So I can hitch a ride with him when he calls for rescue.

Rufus: The Turks.

Akari: The question said to choose only one person.

Rufus: I'm the president. I can get stuck on four islands if I want to. One island for each of them. (looks at the Turks)

Vincent: Lucrecia.

Akari: Shelke. So I can use her as a lifeboat and drown her at the same time.

**Dark Angel  
**

**I've got a question for Sephiroth. **

Sephiroth, can I have your sword? 

Sephiroth: No. But you can have a Masamune Replica. (gives Masamune Replica)

**Black-Dragon-Rock****  
**

**I hate you Vincent... (narrows eyes) **

Yuffie's cool so don't be like nothing's going on cuz I KNOW something is going on...Nah I'm just kidding you. But I did write a Yuffentine and it is VERY to your disliking if catch my drift...

One question though to you Vincent: In a lot of fanfics Yuffie calls you Vinnie but don't you hate it even more when they put Vin-Vin? 

Vincent: Vinnie, Vin-Vin, I hate both of them. What sucks even more is that this hellspawn (points to Akari) calls me that everyday!S

Akari:P

**Andruindel****  
**

**Okay, Okay, Okay. I nearly died laughing when I read this. I've got a few questions. **

FF cast in general: How do you all put up with Allele? (No offense, but I'd sock you if you were annoying me like you annoy them... )  


Sephiroth: (sighs) It's part of a contract we signed.

Vincent: More exposure at the risk of dying from heart failure because of her.

Akari: Hey, it's me! I'm writing this. You can't resist me.

Vincent: In this fic, anyway.

Akari: (cries, socks him and runs away)

**Vincent: Where do you live? It seems like you're always just wandering around. At least, in AC you are. Are you a hobo? (No offense, I love you to bits!)**

Vincent: I am not a hobo. I am a wanderer but I have my dignity and I have a respectable dwelling-

Akari: (shouting from the living room) Yes he's a hobo! And if I ever see you with Shelke again I'LL CASTRATE YOU!

Vincent: See what I have to put up with?

Cloud: Are you ever going to choose between Tifa and Aerith? Or are you going to let them battle it out? 

Cloud: I'll let them battle it out. It's fun to watch Tifa bounce.

Tifa: Cloud, what you just said degraded me as a woman.

Cloud: Don't you feel flattered?

Tifa: (somewhat impatient) Cloud, it was NOT a compliment.

Cloud: If I said that to Aerith she would've been flattered.

Aerith: (cries, socks Cloud and joins Akari in the other room)

Cloud: Damn women… (rubbing face where Aerith hit him)

Tifa: (cries, socks Cloud and joins Akari and Aerith)

Cloud: (KO)

Kadaj: In AC, after you kidnapped all the orphans, and you were in the water, why did it turn black? Did you skip your bath again? 

Kadaj: I did NOT! I changed my clothes that day!

Yazoo: But you did take a bath, right?

Kadaj: Umm… maybe.

Yazoo: (shakes head)

**  
FF cast: What's the worst part about screaming fangirls/fanguys? **

Update soon! I love this fic! 

FF cast: The screaming.

**Gena346****  
**

**I want to ask Yuffie a question. Who does she like more? Cloud, Vincent, or Reno?**

Yuffie: I like whoever has the most materia (eyes Cloud since he has the group's materia. Remember that scene in AC?)

Cloud: (shifty eyes, throws box of materia at Reno)

Reno: (falls to the floor because of the weight) Careful! I might break!

**Lady Ninja Maria****  
**

**When are you going to update this soon? **

Question for Yazzo: Will you be my Boyfriend. If not. Why? 

Yazoo: I'm sorry. I can't be your boyfriend.

Akari: Because he's a gir-

Yazoo: Say that word and I will shoot your vocal cords.

Akari: (looks away)

Yazoo: Going back… I can't be your boyfriend because I am DEAD. And because you can't even get my name right.

Akari: It's just a typo. Lots of people make typos. It's not a big deal.

**Maldaeien****  
**

**throws self to your feet and praises**

Akari: Um, okay. ("Am I worthy of this attention?")

Between your guides and this fic I have laughed so loud I fear I have scared the neighbors in a 10 miles radio.

Would you mind if I ask a few questions as well?

To Cid: Why did you marry Shera? Was she wearing a tea pot suit or dressed up as Lady Luck while you were drunk or was it love at first curse? 

Cid: She tricked me into it, that little minx! She showed me her ring finger and said this ring or something was stuck. Then she asked me if I could get a ring stuck on my finger too so that she wouldn't have to go through life alone with a ring stuck on her finger. Then I went to sleep, and when I woke up there was this priest and he's all like "You may kiss the bride" and Shera was jumping and screaming and all… Jesus. Being married isn't so bad, though. Or maybe that's just the tea talkin'… (random curse word)

**To Aeris: There's a gossip in the internet (plus picture and fanfics) that says you poledance with your staff and have attempted to teach Cid such thing. Real or just bad press?  
**

Aerith: It's sort of true. Dancing is one of my hobbies. How else do you think I stay fit like this? I don't poledance, though. And I doubt that Cid has the capability to even shuffle his feet. All he does is sleep! Isn't that right, Shera?

Shera: (wearing a Lady Luck costume) Yes.

**  
To Cait Sith: Is it true that the actor who was inside Alf's costume is inside your mooggle's costume as well?  
**

Cait Sith: Who's Alf?

Everyone else: (fall over anime style)

Cait Sith: Reeve's twin brother is inside my moogle costume. So if the gang needs Reeve at a certain situation he can just rip the costume off and voila! He's there.

**  
To Vincent: Concerning your headband: Has anyone told you that Rambo wants it back?  
**

Vincent: (looking at Professor Grimoire dressed the same as him) Hey Dad, Rambo wants his headband back.

**  
To Zack: How did you feel when Cloud stole your sword, your girl, your pointy hairstyle and your outfit?**

Zack: I felt like stealing his sword and his girl. He can keep the hairstyle though. I don't want to go through life with "The Lion King"'s Pride Rock stuck on my head.

To Cloud: Did you feel pretty, witty and gay (happy) when you were dressed up as a woman? Why do you still keep that dress? 

Cloud: Did I look like I was having a great time in the game when I was wearing that dress? And no, I did NOT keep that dress. Akari just keeps on sending violet dresses over to piss me off.

To Barret: Be honest, why do you keep wearing that sailor suit? 

Barret: I wear it when I sleep. It's the only one where my gun-arm can fit through.**  
**

**Thank you so much for your time,  
And keep with the awesome cracktastical humor! **

Maldy 

**THE END**

Akari: (sigh) Another 14 months, another chapter. I can't believe it's over. As I've said before, this is the last chapter of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ. No more stupid questions with stoopider answers. No more random stuff with characters being forced to utter senseless nothings. I'm listening to the FF7 Piano Collections Soundtrack- "Anxious Heart", to be specific, as I'm typing this and I can't help but feel a little sad, seeing as how my writing career at this site has already come to an end. But that's the way it's got to be. I don't want to keep you guys- and girls- waiting for who-knows-how-long before I update my fics, most of which were written when I was in a whimsical mood. For almost four years I tried to convince myself that I was capable of being a good writer, but seeing as how I write so little these days, I know the truth now.

Thanks to everyone who sent in their questions and waited for my latest (lamest?) chapter. This is my final work. For eternity, or for the moment, I'm not sure. But I'm sure that there are lots of fics out there that can you enjoy when I'm gone. Heck, "The Final Fantasy VII FAQ" cannot compare to the genius that is "The Army Life" (warning: fanfic plugging coming through) and all the others.

Goodbye, and keep on reading!


End file.
